And a banjo player would have cured him for $5, by singing
"Make Me a Pallet On the Floor"!

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Okay, this might be pushing the envelope but here goes......What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear at the count of 3. He says "uno" ... "dos" ... POOF!!!!! He disappeared without a tres.

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.

As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."

"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.

"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

A blonde is shopping in the curtain department at Penney's.  The sales clerk asks, "May I help you find something?"

"Yes," replies the blonde.  "I'm looking for curtains for my computer."

"What?  Why would you want curtains for a computer?"

"Well, duh!  Because it's got Windows!"

Did you hear about the magician who was driving down the street and turned into a garage?

Girlfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?

Boyfriend: Sure, babe.

Girlfriend: BAM! You're single. 

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show.

After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,

"How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered,"But then I'd have to kill you.

" After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"... 

An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a loveseat and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital.

Once at the hospital, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children. 
Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.

"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "Are they alright?" 

The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..." 

The royal family moved into my neighborhood. They live Tudors down.

I man walks into a Greek tailor with a pair of pants. Holding them up he says,"You Mendes?", to which the tailor replies "Euripides?"

quote:

---

Originally posted by janolov
 

An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a loveseat and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital.

Once at the hospital, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children. 
Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.

"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "Are they alright?" 

The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..." 

 

---

Told that to my oldest stepdaughter, the Famous Doctor.

She laughed out loud.

The skipper of a 60 tonne trawler which ran aground in the Gulf of Carpentaria during the early hours yesterday was found to have twice the permitted alcohol level in his blood. Water police say they are unsure what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning. (Courtesy of Robert Palomo via FB).

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did. For years he guided ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain - every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. 

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. 

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: 

Port Left.

Starboard Right.

A terrible skipper was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a good spot, I will donate to charity, give up the demon rum, treat women with respect, pay my taxes, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory!"

Miraculously, the boat with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave. The skipper looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one myself."

A senior comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup..

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”

Finally, the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”..

Says the old man: “A-ha!”  …