Martha is walking in St James park when she sees her friend Roger playing chess with his cat.

Martha says to Roger, 'I can't believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal.'

Quick as a flash Roger replies, 'No Martha, this cat's not clever at all - I'm beating it 6 games to 2.'

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Originally posted by Constitutional Peasant
 

quote:

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Originally posted by dawgdoc
 

My little girl:  Daddy?

Me: yes, sweetheart?

MLG: 'POOP! (running away screaming in laughter)

 

I guess you had to be there.....its her birthday weekend and she's ripped to the gills on cake. 

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You are never too old (or young) for poop jokes.

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I claim to know a person who farts so loud, she put the DEAF in DEFECATION!

The Facts Of Life: A teacher asked her class to write about human birth.

Jennifer went home and said to her mother, “How was I born?” Mother replied, “A stork brought you and left you on the door step.”

Jennifer then asked her dad how he was born, he replied, “The fairies left me at the bottom of the garden.”

Next she asked her grandmother how she was born, granny said,” I was found under a gooseberry bush.”

Next day the teacher asked Jennifer to stand up and read her essay which simply said, “There has not been a natural birth in our family for three generations.”

* Thanks to Norman in the UK for this one.

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the 
Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a 
Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine 
Circus. He didn't want to be late. 

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver 
would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. 

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to 
juggle. 

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. 

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them 
to him. 

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. 
A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then 
went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. 

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the 
drunk what he thought he was doing. 

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way 
I can pass that test.”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Two cows, looking over the pasture fence.

One says to the other, "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?"

The other replies, "No, I'm just thankful I'm a giraffe."

An airliner is flying nonstop from New York City to Los Angeles.

About two hours into the flight, the captain's voice comes over the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking.  We've encountered a problem.  One engine has failed and we are unable to restart it.  There's no cause for alarm, though; this aircraft is perfectly capable of completing our flight on three engines.  However, our arrival in Los Angeles will be delayed by approximately 30 minutes.  Thanks for your patience."

An hour later, he announces:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain.  I'm sorry to report that a second engine has failed and we are unable to restart it.  Please do not be alarmed, though; the plane is capable of flying with only two engines.  However, our arrival will be delayed by about an hour."

Thirty minutes later, he announces:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have just lost power in a third engine.  But let me reassure you, we are perfectly able to complete our flight with only one engine.  Unfortunately, our arrival will be delayed by more than two hours."

One passenger turns to the other and says:

"At this rate, we'll be up here all day . . . "

"This is the Captain speaking.

One of our engines has failed, but, I assure you, the remaining engine is perfectly capable

of carrying us the rest of the way to the crash site."

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Originally posted by janolov
 

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This hits close to home for me, one regarding a real life event. I'll avoid details to protect reputations.

Another one for you Jan....

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

Where do goldfish keep their money?
In the river bank.

Did you know that a book was written, and a movie and a musical made, about the history of trousers in rural Iowa?

"The Britches of Madison County"

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

"I never cheat when grading my own exams," Tom remarked.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

• My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings

• Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half

• Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep

Why was Lord of the Rings made into a movie?
The fans were Baggins for it.

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What did the guy say when he bumped into the wizard?
Saruman, I didn’t see you there.

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What do you call a wizard who knows how to hit a little white ball with a club?
Cangolf.

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I was addicted to line dancing until my psychiatrist got me into a two-step program.

James Bond, doing a beer commercial:

"A can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Shaken, not stirred."

When I was in school the teacher said I had an attention deficit disorder. I think that's what he said. I wasn't really listening.

Panel discussion at the annual meeting of the Society for Dyslexic Existentialists:

"Is There a Dog?"

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”

“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”

Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”