What do you call an engineer who looks at the other person's shoes while talking to them?

An extrovert.

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

       An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 
       
      "The front row please." she answered. 
       
      "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 
       
      "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. 
       
      "No." he said. 
       
      "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. 
       
      "Do you know who I am?" he asked. 
       
      "No." she said. 
       
      "Good", he answered.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?"

"Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out."

"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head."

"What do you want a cod's head for?"

"Oh - I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!"

A man walks into a bar. He sees a very small man very nicely playing classical music on a piano, the barkeep, and looking around, he sees an old Aladdin - style oil lamp down at the end of the bar. It seemed quite odd and out of place. He sits and orders a drink, and decides to strike up a conversation with the barkeep. "Nice place, great piano music too, but tell me, what's with that funny old lamp down at the end of the bar?" The barkeep responds, "Thank you, the old lamp is a magic lamp, but it is damaged. You can actually rub it and ask for anything you want." The old guy responds, "Wow, that's amazing, do you mind if I give it a try?" The barkeep says, "Sure, but I'm warning you, it IS damaged." so the guy goes and takes a closer look at the lamp. Surely it is the style of oil lamp from the Aladdin stories, but on closer examination he sees a big dent in the side. Finally, he picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. "Magic Lamp, I ask you for one million dollars!", exclaims the man. Very shortly after his request, he hears a commotion. The front door of the bar flings wide open, and so with the back door. A huge flock of ducks fly in, through the bar, and disappear out the back door. The man and barkeep, as they get up off the floor are taken quite aback. The man exclaims, "Wow, you were right about that damaged lamp! I asked for a million bucks, and I got one million ducks instead!" To that, the barkeep answered, "I told you the lamp was damaged, do you think I really asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day on 16th hole that runs along side the highway, a funeral procession drives by. One man says to the others, "Stop and remove your hats, show some respect."

Afterward, one of the other men asked him what got into him. "I have never seen you show anybody any respect."

The first man replied: "I was married to her for 65 years." 

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Look down your shirt and spell attic.

Two Scotsmen, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organized awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said "Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike."

"Oh" said Mrs Green "That could NOT have been my dog"

"Oh, why not?" replied her neighbor "I’m pretty sure it was her"

"Well" stated Mrs. Green smiling "my dog doesn’t ride a bike"

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That’s odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"

A lady golfer went into the pro shop after her round and the pro asked her "How'd it go?" and she replied "Not so good.  I got stung by a wasp and it threw the entire rest of my game off".  The pro asked "Where'd ya get stung?" and she says "Between the first and second hole". 

'Your stance is too wide" the pro replied.

Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.  Funniest Irish Joke

O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'

'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary

One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.'

'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.' 

Jan, this one's for you.    The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."!

My little girl:  Daddy?

Me: yes, sweetheart?

MLG: 'POOP! (running away screaming in laughter)

I guess you had to be there.....its her birthday weekend and she's ripped to the gills on cake. 

quote:

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Originally posted by dawgdoc
 

My little girl:  Daddy?

Me: yes, sweetheart?

MLG: 'POOP! (running away screaming in laughter)

 

I guess you had to be there.....its her birthday weekend and she's ripped to the gills on cake. 

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You are never too old (or young) for poop jokes.