Procrastination isn't all bad....... it does give you something to do tomorrow!

I nevah seem ta git ahround ... procrastinating...

Dang..

Spoze ta bee..to ...procrastinating...

Never put off until tomorrow, something that can be put off until the day after tomorrow.  

If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.

If life hands you a cannon, make a cannonade.

Here's one for Dawgdoc:

On the sixth day God turned to the Angel Gabriel and announced, "Today I shall create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, with snow-capped mountains, shimmering blue lakes, forests of elk and moose, and rivers of salmon. And the air will be clear and pure. I will make the land rich in oil so the inhabitants shall prosper. I shall call the inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the friendliest people on Earth."

"Don't you think you're being rather too generous to these Canadians?" asked Gabriel.

"Wait," said God, "You haven't seen the neighbours I'm going to give them!"

Wow! Not sure what happened here?.....

(Sent by one of my many, many sisters)

A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?


The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

quote:

---

Originally posted by mike gregory
 

Two guys named  LESTER  and EARL 

were talking about joining up and putting together a group to entertain folks.

Couldn't come up with a name.

 

Finally decided

"Hey, let's just name it after ourselves!

 

 

 

 

 

  

And that's how Maddox and Scheib got  their show biz start!

---

mike , you and I are the only old guys on this site , I dont think the young-uns know who Maddox and (earl shieb) Shieb were. "rah rah rumble seats and running boards".... shakin'...the milk bottle before you open it

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers to the guy, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."L

A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?"

The other guy says "Ireland."

The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily.

Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily.

Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?"

"St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy.

"Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another round.

Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?"

The bartender answers, "Nothing... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' 

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.' 

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

Murphy excitedly gets on the phone to the doctor, " Quick, ma wife, she's having a baby!" 

"Is this her first child?", asks the doctor.

"No, you arse, it's her husband", sez Murphy.

Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns?

He asked the local farmer.

"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.

The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?” 
The man said, “Here and there.” 
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?” 
The man said, “This and that.” 
The judge then said, “Take him away.” 
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?” 
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

A cousin of mine, Billy Bob, an avid deer hunter, has been known to miss the occasional work day after deer season opens. For years his wife, Willie Ruth, nagged him about being in the woods every weekend of the season. Realizing she was not making any headway with the nagging, Willie Ruth decided to join him in the field to see what caused such devotion on his part. Prior to opening weekend Billy Bob purchased her a rifle, she attended the requisite "Hunter Safety" course, and went to an outdoor range to practice shooting her rifle.

On the appointed morning they arrived at the hunting site before dawn. Billy Bob walked her to his favorite tree stand on the edge of the woodline looking out on a soybean field and explained to Willie Ruth where to expect to see a deer. He told her if she shot anything to stay put and he would come back and help her with it. He then Walked about 100 yards to a second deer stand. Billy Bob had just barely gotten settled before hearing a shot ring out from Willie Ruth's stand. He left his stand and hurried back to her.

Almost there, Billy Bob saw her in the field facing and gesturing at a man. As he approached within earshot he realized they were arguing and it was growing heated. Willie Ruth was getting louder and shriller as she repeatedly said she had shot it and it was her deer on the ground. The man was adamant that it was not her deer. Just as Billy Bob joined them, Willie Ruth swung her rifle in the direction of the man and fiercely said "IT IS MY DEER, I SHOT IT."

The man threw his hands up in the air and said, "Okay lady, it's your deer. Just let me take my saddle off of it."

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. “The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot. Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.” The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?” The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour. The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Did you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the New York when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to New York?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble’.
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of New York when he was horrified.
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd..
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over --- so now we're going to the movies.

​

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.  Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, 'What've you got in your trailer?'

'Manure,' Farmer Evans replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Tim.

'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer.

Tim replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries