Local news station was interviewing a woman in her 80's who just got married for the fourth time.
She married a banker when in her 20's
She married a circus ringmaster in her 40's
She married a preacher when she was in her 60's
Now she's married to an undertaker.
When asked why she married men with such diverse careers, she answered:
I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go
A man asks his female co-worker if she smoked after sex. She replied, "I don't know, I never looked".
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two is never quite sure. Sagal's Law?
The Golden Rule of Art and Science says he who has the gold makes the rules.
"There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death. " Now that's a real bummer!!!
What did the plow say to the tractor?
Come a little closer John, dear.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?
A. I don't know & I don't care.
Mickey was a good Romish child who sometimes liked to relax by sitting in the dark in his parents' closet. One day while he was doing this, he heard the crunch of car tires on the gravel driveway and his mother's voice saying, "It's my husband! Quick, get in the closet!"
And before he could figure out what was going on, Mickey was joined in the closet by a strange man. Being a friendly little fellow, Mickey felt it incumbent upon himself to strike up a conversation.
"Sure is dark in here," he whispered.
"Sure is," whispered the man.
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"It's for sale."
"How much?"
"Five hundred dollars."
"Here's $500. Hand it over, ya little...kid."
The next day, Mickey was sitting in the closet again, when again he heard the crunch of tires and his mother proffering the same advice as the day before, and once again he was joined by the man.
Mickey whispered, "Sure is dark in here."
"Sure is," whispered the man.
"I have a baseball glove."
"How much?" sighed the man, quietly.
"Five hundred dollars."
And thus was the deal transacted.
The next day, Mickey heard the car come up the driveway again, but not his mother's voice. Wanting to find out what was happening, he left the closet and went outside to see.
There was Mickey's father in the driveway. "Hey, Champ, I came home early for a game of catch with you. Let's go out back and toss the ol' horsehide around."
"Can't. I sold my ball and glove to a friend."
"Well, did you at least get a good price?"
"Pretty good; a thousand bucks.
"A thousand dollars! That's robbery! You're going to confession tomorrow and tell Fighting Father Feeney what you've done!"
So the next day, Mickey was in church. When his turn came, he entered the confessional booth , knelt down, and waited for Fighting Father Feeney to slide open the small door that separated them.
The door slid open, and Mickey, departing from the usual script, said, "Sure is dark in here."
Said the priest, "Don't start that sh*t with me again, boyo!
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The
Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples
looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus
mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter
said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Paddie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paddie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 's***!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
"If at first you don't succeed, try second, shortstop, or outfield."
There was a town meeting held to discuss the merits of building a bridge across a little spit of water,a couple miles north of Port Clyde.
With a bit of care it could be driven across (ledge) except in the highest of spring tides and the normally quiet George Davis accepted the moderator's offer of "does anyone have anything they want to say?"
George raised his hand and replied,"A bridge over that little trickle?!...why,I bet I can pi$$ halfway across that pitiful little stream!"
The moderator slammed his gavel and said,"Mr.Davis,you are out of order,sir!!!"
George said,"I know I am...if I wasn't I could pi$$ all the way across it!"
I got really drunk the other night and took a bus home.
Funny thing is I've never driven a bus before and I don't know where I got it.
quote:
Originally posted by mike gregory
"If at first you don't succeed, try second, shortstop, or outfield."
If at first you don't succeed, don't take up skydiving.
A mechanical engineer went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:
Engineer : I lost my wife (misty), she went for shopping and still not reached home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Engineer: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Engineer: Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Engineer: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Engineer: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Engineer: Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly!
Inspector: Was she going in a car?
Engineer: Yes!
Inspector : Tell me the number, name and color of the car.
Engineer: Sir, it was a Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine, generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the engineer started crying…
Inspector: Lets search for the car!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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