An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

A horse walks into a bar, and orders a pint. 
The Barkeep says "You're in here pretty often.
Do you think you're an alcoholic"?
The horse replies ; "I don't think I am" - -
and suddenly he vanishes from existence.

See the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 
"I think, therefore I am", but to explain that part before the
rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 

.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jbo1

What chord don't atheist musicians believe exists?

G sus.

---

And yet, how can anyone deny Photographic PROOF!??

Was the microwave invented by Sir Robert Newcombe?

It occurred to me how EASY it would be, to rotate the package and add a caption.

This line: I know your feelings of hate after pulling the starter rope hundreds of times on a machine from the thread about good/bad 4-cycle gas engines reminds me of a joke one of the musicians around here likes to tell, and tell, and tell...   [Here's a Cole's Notes version]:

Some time back, when bicycles were a more common mode of transport, a minister who was new to town was riding around to familiarize himself with his new community.  By coincidence, he came across a young lad at the end of a driveway attaching a "for sale" sign to a lawnmower....and was reminded that the lawn around his house was a bit scraggly, so he struck up a conversation....culminating in trading his bike for the lawnmower. 

Later in the afternoon the boy was out enjoying his bike when he came upon the minister out on his lawn, with the lawnmower, looking somewhat flustered.  The minister called him over saying "I think this lawnmower you traded me is a dud.  I can't get it started."   

The boy tells him, "Not to worry, all you need to do is swear at it." 

The minister is taken aback: "I'm  a minister... I can't take the Lord's name in vain... I don't think I even remember how to cuss, ... etc."     

"Just keep pulling...it'll come back to you."

Lifted from The Stew [a "Coffee News" type of publication in Humboldt SK]:

"I don't think outside the box... I don't think inside the box... I don't even know where the box is!"

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used by Microsoft as part of a job application. 

The question: 

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride, knowing there could be only one passenger in your car. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The Answer

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman/man of my 
dreams."


ALTERNATIVELY ..............

Another answer may be to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, make love to the perfect woman against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for some beer.


 

What do you call an angry robot?

C3P.O.ed

Got a new dog the other day and I'm pretty certain it used to belong to a blacksmith... because as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

A guy bought a pony at a farm auction. He was loading it in his truck when it kicked him square you know where.

Some guys were standing around.

1st Guy. He's done farming for a while.

2nd Guy. He's just a hobby farmer.

1st Guy . How do you know that?

2nd Guy. He's just got a couple a achers! 

From "MOCK the WEEK"
(Brit TV)

GIVE a man a duck,

and you may feed him for a DAY.

But TEACH a man TO duck,

And you may help him avoid being struck by thrown objects!"

Can I have some Irish sausages please?' Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog.
The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, 'Are you Irish?'
'If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
The assistant replied, 'Well...er.... no' .
'And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't,' came the response.
Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?'

'Because you're in a Pharmacy', replied the assistant.

There was an old man named McBride
who fell down an out-house and died.
He had a brother
who fell down another.
And now they're "interred" side by side.

First time I saw that joke, it was in print form.

I just didn't get it.

re-read it several times.

Complained to Irene that it made ni sense at all.

She advised me to recite it aloud.

BINGO!

Would it be considered FUNNY to dump the WINDEX (TM) down the drain and refill the bottle with blue sports energy drink?

A guy I used to work with drank a lot of the sports drink, and I would frequently whine

"MOMMMM! Ryans' drinking Windex again!"

My very FAVORITE part of the NOAH movie

is the scene where  Noah tells the velociraptors:

" I swear, the next time ANY of you asks 'Are we THERE yet?', I'm tossing EVERY LAST ONE the dinosaurs OVERBOARD!!"

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

More Noah: 

Noah was feeling bored on the Ark

His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"

Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.

He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.

His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,

"I ran out of worms."

...