The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help: "Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!"
The police dispatcher responded, "Sir, I don't think I heard you correctly? A cat at your home?"
"A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me!
Again the police dispatch tried to correct him "But how so? You mean a thief?"
"NO! I'm talking about a freaking cat, the one that does 'meow, meow', and it's coming my way!.... You have to come now!"
"So what about this cat coming toward you?" the officer replies trying to grasp the situation
"He's going to kill me, now he's going mental! And you will be the reason I die"
"Who is talking?" the officer asks
"The parrot, you jac**ss"!

What can a large pizza do that a banjo player can’t?

.......feed a family of four.

.

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

A little boy runs across a farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop.
The farmer tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”
The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

.

.

Hi

Julius Caesar and Mark Antony are enjoying a pint down at the Senate, picking away at some dormice chips and larks tongues . Caesar says to Antony ' Did I tell you I went round to Cleopatra's pad the other day? When I got there the servant showed me in and took me to her bathroom . There she was floating starkers in a massive tub filled with asses milk'. Mark queried 'Pasteurised?' Caesar replies ' Nah ,only came up to her b##bs'

Sorry!

Jim

My 7 year old FINALLY landed a joke, so I thought I would share it:

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll let it go!

quote:

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Originally posted by Hawgfiddle65

Hi

Julius Caesar and Mark Antony are enjoying a pint down at the Senate, picking away at some dormice chips and larks tongues . Caesar says to Antony ' Did I tell you I went round to Cleopatra's pad the other day? When I got there the servant showed me in and took me to her bathroom . There she was floating starkers in a massive tub filled with asses milk'. Mark queried 'Pasteurised?' Caesar replies ' Nah ,only came up to her b##bs'

Sorry!

Jim

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If that Cleopatra was being portrayed by Liz Taylor, one might better spell the last word as         b( . )( . )bs.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative”.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

ken

It's convocation at Yale University. The guest speaker has taken the letters and spun them into his speech. He tells the class that the Y stands for youth, and expounds upon the joys, glories, and prospects for youth. This goes on for twenty minutes. Then he says that A stands for advancement, and dwells on that word for another twenty minutes. Following that, he spends fifteen minutes explaining how L means liberty, and, finally, a half hour talking about E for education.

Some time after the ceremony, a new graduate was seen in the middle of the quadrangle, on his knees, praying.

A classmate asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm giving thanks to God for that speech."

"Why would you give thanks for that awful speech?"

"I'm giving thanks that I didn't graduate from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology!"

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

There were two female ostriches running across the plain when they saw two male ostriches coming toward them. One said to the other, "Lets bury our heads in the sand." So they did.
Soon the two male ostriches came up behind the two female ostriches and one turned to the other one and said, "Where did they go?"

Why are married women usually a little heavier than single women?

Because single ladies come home look in the fridge & go to bed.

Married women come home look in the bed & go to the fridge.

My wife thought this was funny too.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......