Not really a joke - - but how often does this happen??  

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.

“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”

The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a f****g thing.”

^^^^     

Q: Which 1940's  AMERICAN cowboy movie star was really TWO Irishmen?

A: TOM MICKS!

Wild West in the IT era?

If your dog tells you to do something & you don't see his lips move. Don't do it!!

Q. Why aren’t dogs good dancers?

A. Because they have two left feet!

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had
a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to
his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the
bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to
walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the
Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer
said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're
very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark
glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the
Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer
said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me
a fricking Chihuahua?"

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

I trust this will pass the "no religion" it depends:

I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day. He seemed like a nice guy and then he started yacking non-stop.
After awhile he said. "Aren't you afraid I might be a serial killer?'
"Naaaaaah," I said, "The possibility of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time are pretty slim." That shut him up.

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Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

quote:

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Originally posted by chuckv97

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That's even funnier than

The Old Rugged Cross Dressers

John Travolta was quarantined with suspected Coronavirus. Turns out it was Saturday Night Fever... he'll be stayin' alive.

Real life, but still funny.

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/NeglectedBogusIrishwaterspaniel-size_restricted.gif

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quote:

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Originally posted by blazo

John Travolta was quarantined with suspected Coronavirus. Turns out it was Saturday Night Fever... he'll be stayin' alive.

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but I bet his chills were multiplying!

Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

A farmer buys a young rooster and takes it home. AS soon as he lets it loose it goes right to work and screws all 150 of his hens. After lunch the rooster makes his rounds again and gets all 150 hens. The next morning the rooster is at the ducks and the geese too. Later that day the farmer finds the rooster laying on the ground, half dead, with buzzards circling over head. The farmer looks the rooster over and says, "You did this to yourself, you horny bastard." The rooster opens one eye, points upward and says, "SHHHHH! They're about to land..."

??????

Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.

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