I went to a bluegrass jam last Friday. It was fun but, because of the corona virus, we weren't allowed to trade licks.

*Breaking News!* -
Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Supposedly this edition is a little easier:

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Originally posted by Owen

Supposedly this edition is a little easier:

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Hee hee!

The Wisconsin State road map edition is even easier.

Along 43, between Milwaukee & Sheboygan

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Thanks for including the map, Mike ... I wouldn't have wanted to end up "here"  https://geotargit.com/citiespercountry.php?qcountry_code=US&qcity=Waldo  by mistake.

Now I'm aware of 12 more Waldos than I was when I got up this a.m.  

To go to the grocery store, they said gloves and a mask were enough.  They lied.  Everybody else had clothes on!

The Mrs. and I had low libido issues. The doc gave us these pills. We put them in our morning coffee. Less than a minute later we tore off each other's clothes, swept everything to the floor, and did it on the table.

We're now banned from Tim Horton's for life.

.

quote:

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Originally posted by dmiller

Why would it take a year to make a flat-topped table??

The tires were already flat!

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One day a lady took a dingo to the vet. The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head.
"I'm sorry your dingo is dead" said the doctor.
"How could you be so sure" the lady said.
So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead.
With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. "$400, why $400?".
The doctor replied "If you had've believed me first it would of been $60".
"But why still" the lady insists.
To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"

quote:

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Originally posted by mike gregory

quote:

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Originally posted by dmiller

Why would it take a year to make a flat-topped table??

The tires were already flat!

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They sure don't look like BF Goodrich!  I can't believe a pun got by Mike.

Good Joke,but i think it's a little flat....

quote:

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Originally posted by 5Stringtrout

quote:

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Originally posted by mike gregory

quote:

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Originally posted by dmiller

Why would it take a year to make a flat-topped table??

The tires were already flat!

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They sure don't look like BF Goodrich!  I can't believe a pun got by Mike.

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ARRRGH! Too subtle!

Caught me fair and square.

"...the brain is an amazing organ. It starts working in a mother’s womb, and it doesn’t stop working until you get elected to Congress.”

--John N. Kennedy
congressman, Louisiana

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight...

One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him.
Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police."
Then they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here."
Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap.
Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?"
Mad replied, "Yes, I am."
The policeman asked, "Are you mad?"
Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad."
The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?"
Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge