A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."
The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.
"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."
Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
Music teacher wrote a song to help deal with the frustration of COVID 19 in her life:
C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says - Sorry, we don't serve minors here.
It was quite a surprise to be watching an old TARZAN film and discover that the Lord of the Jungle is a Bluegrass fan.
But, he saves Jane from a crocodile, and then yells to the African on the other side of the river:
"Hey, Mister! Can you play DELIVERANCE for us??"
quote:
Originally posted by mike gregoryIt was quite a surprise to be watching an old TARZAN film and discover that the Lord of the Jungle is a Bluegrass fan.
But, he saves Jane from a crocodile, and then yells to the African on the other side of the river:
"Hey, Mister! Can you play DELIVERANCE for us??"
And another "swinging" joke from Mike. Tarzan's last words; "Who greased the grape vine"?
A woman came home and told her husband
“Honey, you know that headache that’s been bothering me all these years? I’m finally cured!”
“Cured?” the man asked, “How did that happen?”
“My friend Johanna recommended that I go see a hypnotist. The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat ‘I don’t have a headache, I don’t have a headache, I don’t have a headache.’”
The woman continued with a broad smile, “I was skeptical at first, but I tried it out, and it worked! No more headache!”
“That’s amazing!” the man replied.
The woman squirmed a bit, and then hesitantly said, “Honey, for the last few years, you haven’t exactly been a Tarzan in bed. How about you go to the hypnotist too, maybe he can help you out?”
The man thought about it for a while, and then decided that it couldn’t hurt to try.
After his visit to the hypnotist, the man returned home with new confidence. He lifted his wife up, carried her to the bedroom, undressed her and said:
“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
The man walked briskly to the bathroom. After a short while, he came back to bed and made passionate love to her like never before.
The wife said breathlessly, “Oh my, now that’s what I’m talking about.”
After they were done, the man once again said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He went to the bathroom, and after a short while he came back and they made love even more passionately than before.
“Oh my, that was wonderful” the woman said.
The secret is revealed
The man got up again, and said, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” And for a third time, he went to the bathroom.
This time, the woman couldn’t resist the temptation. She sneaked out of the bed and followed her husband. There she saw him standing in front of the mirror, repeating:
“She’s not my wife, she’s not my wife, she’s not my wife.”
The man’s funeral will take place next Monday.
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Johnny, calling the local police.
- Yeah, my neighbour, Paul, is hiding drugs inside a big pile of firewood behind his shed.
The police answer; - We'll be right over.
A small force of officers arrive equipped with axes and chainsaws. They chop the whole pile up but find nothing and leave.
When Paul comes home from work, Johnny goes over and knocks on the door and says: Hey buddy, I got your wood chopped, happy birthday.
And a variation of the same story:
The phone rings at KGB headquarters
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this KGB?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house.
“Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”
“Yes.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
Edited by - dmiller on 05/10/2020 09:56:53
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;
"I would like to buy some cyanide,"
The pharmacist asked her:
"why in the world do you need cyanide?"
She said:
"I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed:
"Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. You CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE."
The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist examines the picture for a couple minutes, sighs and hands it back saying:
"Well now that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription"
A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach.
He asks his assistant what happened.
"The man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says.
"You can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemist says.
"Sure you can, see how scared he is to cough".
At the police station:
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck
A nun is standing on the sidewalk trying to hail down a taxi one evening. A taxi finally pulls over to pick her up.
As they pull away the driver asks "Where you want to go sister?"
The nun replies "back to the convent on St. Mary street"
So they continue on their destination and the taxi driver can't help but notice how pretty she looked. He says, "you know sister, one of my lifetime fantasies was to kiss a nun."
The nun replies and says "well, you know although it would be going against the rules of the church, I could make your fantasy come true, but under a couple of conditions"
So the taxi driver with delight says "and what would may that be sister?"
"Well, you must go to church and you can't be married." says the nun.
The taxi driver says "Yes I go to church and no I'm not married."
So they both agree to pull into a dark alley where the taxi driver starts to give the nun a very passionate kiss.
After he was done he says "Wow that was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life!" "but, sister I do have a confession, I really don't go to church and I'm happily married with two beautiful children"
The nun replies, "That's ok mister, cause my name is Dean Pelton and I'm really on my way to a costume party."
Q. What is the best pickup to put on a banjo?
A. Ford F 650.
In these times of social distancing, I thought a joke about six feet would be good:
Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"
Read more on page: jokesoftheday.net/joke-Six-Feet/2015071240
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A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
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