There is a world of difference between a leg o' lamb and a Lego lamb.

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Originally posted by chuckv97

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Far Side? That is so funny!

An artist was commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called “Lenin in Poland.” When the painting was unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin’s wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

“But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?” Asks one of the guests.

“Lenin is in Poland,” replies the painter.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"
"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians' "

Long before it was the prudent thing to do, my band was quite adept at social distancing. At many (most) of our gigs there were more people on stage than in the audience.

As one of the symptoms of covid19 is a lack of taste, judging by how I dress I must of had the virus for years.

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A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”

The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”

Covid 19 impact

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My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing….”

A pianist and singer are rehearsing “Autumn Leaves” for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor.”
The singer says: “Wow, I don’t think I can remember all of that.”
The pianist says: “Well, that’s what you did last time.”

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John Roberts (on FOX News 10 minutes ago) : “The arena is only about 2/3 full.”
Jesse Watters (in reply) : “Yeah, it looks packed.”

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."

"You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never,"said Ralph.

"Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH WAKE UP. YOU s*** THE BED!"

husband walks into the room with his banjo where his wife is sewing. turns his back to her and plays roly poly on the 5string. and just stands there. she says that was nice sweetheart. husband says no no no,,, does this banjo make my butt look big ????

Any of you folks know anything about forestry and/or orchards?

I need help with my money-making idea:

IF  I can crossbreed  MILKWEED with QUAKING ASPEN, I could grow an orchard of MILK-SHAKE trees!

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

An old guy went to the doctor & said he thought he was losing his hearing.

The doctor said. "Can you describe the symptoms?"

The guy said. "Sure, they're yellow. Homer is fat & Marge has blue hair"