There was one little boy in the teacher’s class who really struggled to learn.

One day the teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and of course he didn’t know.

The teacher asked him every day for a week but still he couldn’t give the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to come and see her. She said to him, “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

The father said to his son, “Come here, boy, and sit down.”

The boy duly did as he was told and then his dad said to him, “Now if you signed that stupid thing, just admit it so we can get out of here.”

A 60 year old husband and wife were walking along the beach when they stumbled upon a lamp in the sand.
They picked it up and upon wiping the sand away a genie popped out.

"Because you have freed me, I'll grant you each one wish." The genie said.

The wife thought for a moment and said "Years ago I found an old clock washed up on the beach, it's beautiful but never worked."

The genie waved his hand and almost at once the tolling of the clock could be heard from their house over the hill. Delighted, the woman ran towards the house to see it.

The man smiled after his wife and said, "I've had a long wonderful marriage, but I've always wanted a wife 30 years younger than I."

The genie waved his hand and POOF he was 90.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”

youtu.be/ybbkYfcoQu0

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Now that Disney World has reopened, so have many of the rides. Always popular, Splash Mountain was nicknamed "Flash Mountain" because women would sometimes raise their shirts and flash the camera on the final drop. Now, because of COVID, women still flash, but instead by lowering their face masks.

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A guy thought he was having some prostate pain, The doctor was checking him out & said he thought he found the problem. He said he found a roll of money totaling nineteen hundred dollars in there. 

The guy said  "That's probably why I wasn't feeling two grand"  

Why did karl marx always spell his name in lowercase letters?
Because he wanted to abolish all forms of capital
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A communist, like Karl Marx, says to seize the means of production...
Capitalist Donald Trump however, prefers to seize the means of reproduction.

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Karl Marx as a student
In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

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I am into a painting project at home which reminds me about this:

A man visits a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

The friend replies, "I ran into a lawyer."

"That explains the blood," says the man. "But what about the leaves, grass, branches and dirt?"

"I had to chase him all through the park."

What happens if you swallow a mouth full of Scrabble Tiles?

Your next trip to the bathroom could spell "d i s a s t e r."

A bloke goes to the doctor......

Doc - what’s the matter sir?

Bloke - you’ve got to help me Dr, I can’t stop singing ‘Delilah‘ and ‘The Green Green Grass of Home’

Doctor - don’t worry sir, it’s a simple case of ‘Tom Jones Syndrome’ It’ll clear up in a few days

Bloke - thanks Dr, that’s a relief. Is it common?

Doctor - well, it’s not unusual

I'll try to bump this up to the first page!

Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

A: Because they grew out of their B shells!

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.

Q: Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

A: It didn't habenero.