One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.r>
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the
city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had
ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with
expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one
greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him
and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here
again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be
appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he
would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same
ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I
thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be
for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.
He said He'd never been in this church "

CHILDHOOD TRUTHS

When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

CHILDHOOD TRUTHS

Don't ask the dog to guard your food.

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden Green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed on the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

“You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?”

A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. “That was really a very nice gesture,” one of his buddies said. “Hey, it’s the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!”

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?

He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”

A guy walks into the doctor's office one day.

He says, "Hey Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in two weeks! What's wrong with me?"

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, come back and let me know."

Another week later the guy goes back to the doctor's and says, "Hey Doc, still no poop and it's been three weeks now!!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, I guess you must need something a little stronger," and prescribes the guy a really powerful laxative.

Another week later and the poor guy returns to the doctor's and says, "Hey Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor's now worried and says to the guy, "Okay, I think we'd better start get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

The guy replies, "I'm a professional banjo player."

The doctor looks up and says,

"Ahhh! That's it then! Here's 20 bucks. Go get something to eat !!!"

Avoid joining dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

What’s the difference between a cult and a religion ?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.

Later that night, the man cannot not sleep and fears he might have made the wrong decision. So the next day he goes to the poll workers

"I believe I have voted for the wrong option yesterday," he says. "I want to change my vote to a yes"

The poll worker smiles at him and says:

"No problem we corrected it for you but don't do it again!"

SO it's November, and as happens every year, the two big maples drop a lot of leaves.
And, as a responsible neighbor, I'm out there, blowing the leaves off the sidewalk.    And this TEEN-AGED KNOW IT ALL comes strolling along, and says

"Hey, dude, there's MACHINES that can do that whole lot faster."

Okay, folks, no political jokes, it's against the rules. I'd hate to have to lock this topic because of rule breaking jokes.

Two politicians walk into a bar for a taste of sherry.
Sherry chases them out, and everybody's glad the thread didn't get locked.
That's some very good Sherry!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Texasbanjo

Okay, folks, no political jokes, it's against the rules. I'd hate to have to lock this topic because of rule breaking jokes.

---

I've been hoping for months that you'd lock it due to the abysmal quality of the jokes.

Can I tell the one about the old man who arrives at the pearly gates on Christmas Eve ?

quote:

---

Originally posted by AndrewD

quote:

---

Originally posted by Texasbanjo

Okay, folks, no political jokes, it's against the rules. I'd hate to have to lock this topic because of rule breaking jokes.

---

I've been hoping for months that you'd lock it due to the abysmal quality of the jokes.

Can I tell the one about the old man who arrives at the pearly gates on Christmas Eve ?

---

Unfortunately, with as many members as we have who participate in the joke of the day, there are bound to be some that are not appreciated/liked/laughed at by all, but be that as it may, unless rules are broken, there's nothing I can do if you don't/can't/won't appreciate the jokes that are told.   If you don't like them, don't  read them all the way through or don't read jokes by people that you don't think post funny jokes. 

In other words:  different strokes for different folks. 

Sherry, we all love you. Thanks for putting up with us.
Brooks

A photon is passing through airport security and the TSA agent asks why there isn’t any luggage......to which the photon sez...” I’m just travelling light.”