Here's another old one:

What do you get if you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft???

Answer: ................................................................. A flat minor.

Not a joke but still really funny! It's fun to watch with the sound off too! A friend tried to tell me about a skit where Steve Martin jumps on the back of a tortoise. I think he meant elephant!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGNU5FkRz7g

Maybe it’s the wine but......if I made Pork Tartare for dinner would it be Ground Hog day?

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

Of course, sir. It was fresh ground this morning.

A pirate ship was cruising the 7 seas when a voice is heard from the crow's nest... "Captain, there is a Spanish ship in the distance".

The Captain immediately requests... "First mate...bring me my red shirt."

The first mate inquires... "Why do you want your red shirt?"

The Captain replies... "Because when we overtake the ship, if I get hurt in the fight I don't want the crew mates seeing my blood."

Just then the voice from the crows nest screams... "Holy crap, Captain...it's the Spanish Armada and they are heading our way.."

To which the Captain requests... "First Mate...bring me my brown pants."

I am not good at remembering jokes, so I rarely tell them. Here's one I remember from childhood.

What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

A tavern is a barroom and an elephant fart is a BarrOOOOOm

From Steven Wright: "My friend has a trophy wife, but not for first place."

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A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty waitress as she passes by his table.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She threw a drink in his face.

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

As you get older, you've got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs.
Instead of getting upset, I just thought: Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years!

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Mantis

True story from the "Don't Get Too Sassy" file:
Milwaukee, WI, 1960's
County courthouse.

Woman has been arrested for prostitution.
Judge looks at her rap sheet, notices this is no her first offence, not by a long shot.
Asks her if she considers herself to be "pretty good at this"
She says she is.
Asks her what her going rate is.
She tells him.
Asks her how many clients she services of an evening.
She gives him a number.
Instead of a fine or jail time, he instructs the bailiff to walk her down the hall to the Internal Revenue branch office, since she's just testified in court that she has made $$$ per week in the several months since her last arrest.

A guy gets on the bus & sits down beside another guy. He pulls out a picture & says '" This is my Wife, isn't she beautiful? The other guy says " You should see my Wife.

First guy says  "Is she pretty too?" Second guy.." She's an Optometrist"  

In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.

The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

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Life Before the Pandemic

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