A rich businessman goes on holiday .While he is away his butler sends him a message saying “Cats dead”.

Distraught at the death of his beloved pet the man returns home and berates the butler for being so callous.

“You should break bad news gently” says the businessman .“If I had been telling you that the cat was dead I’d have written ,”The cat is on the roof and can’t get down”

A few hours later I’d have written “the cat’s fallen off the roof and is badly hurt “

A while later I’d have sent another message saying “The cat has sadly passed away “

“Very good sir “ says the butler “I will remember that in future”


The business man resumes his trip ,books into the hotel and finds that the butler has left him another message,it says

“your mother is on the roof and can’t get down………”

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

.... 'way worse than a type O..... they're lost.... they're s'posed to be walking into a bar!!  

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My family was so poor that we couldn't afford Exlax.
So my dad would sit me on the pot and tell me ghost stories.

Our parish was so poor we couldn't afford an organ, but had to make do with an accordion.

That was our church, Our Lady of Spain.

A man walks into his house and says to his wife "That mailman is out there bragging that he has made love to every woman on our street except one." To which his wife replies "I'll bet it's that stuck up Mrs. Johnson on the corner."

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Very true

My wife would have asked me long before it got to the dishwashing.

quote:

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Originally posted by Banjonewguy

My wife would have asked me long before it got to the dishwashing.

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I'm just glad that the law requires that mine are always locked in a safe which no one else is allowed to have access to 

quote:

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Originally posted by Wet Spaniel

quote:

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Originally posted by Banjonewguy

My wife would have asked me long before it got to the dishwashing.

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I'm just glad that the law requires that mine are always locked in a safe which no one else is allowed to have access to 

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All but one of mine is locked up. My wife has the combo but I doubt she would ever be able to work it

quote:

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Originally posted by Banjonewguy

quote:

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Originally posted by Wet Spaniel

quote:

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Originally posted by Banjonewguy

My wife would have asked me long before it got to the dishwashing.

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I'm just glad that the law requires that mine are always locked in a safe which no one else is allowed to have access to 

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All but one of mine is locked up. My wife has the combo but I doubt she would ever be able to work it

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I'd be in breach of my licence conditions if she even knew where the keys are.  U.K. gun laws keep many a locksmith in business as gun owners die and partners need to get rid of the guns...... obviously hopefully not selling them for the price we tell them we bought them for 

For all the tea drinkers;

What kind of Tea is the hardest to swallow?

Reality

quote:

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Originally posted by Banjonewguy

For all the tea drinkers;

What kind of Tea is the hardest to swallow?

Reality

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Real tea may be hart to swallow

but

Proper tea is theft

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him tea, stir it into the tea and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Do you know why Automobiles can't play poker in South America?
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*They have cartels.