My oldest brother has a VERY odd sense of humor,
He worked at a Gummint Office with one fax machine on the top floor, and one on the first floor.

When the upstairs one stopped working (again), they knew he could troubleshoot it (again).
Which he did.
And he sent himself a TEST MESSAGE from the first floor to upstairs.
But, the message was

"Mother died cursing your name"

It sat in the IN basket for quite a long time, as nobody who saw it wanted to notify him that he had a message.

He had seen it, to be sure it came in, but pretended not to, as he wanted to see who among his co-workers  would break the news.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

.

About Hillbillies (but I have heard similar stories about Irish, Norwegians, French, Polish police):

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas , Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi , Missouri , the panhandle of Florida , West Virginia and Washington DC.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

One plays three chords in front of thousands of people........

......the other plays thousands of chords in front of three people.

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.
I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

“ My identical twin sister calls me up you know the twin with anxiety issues? Yeah that one. Well she calls me and says you know I not feeling very pretty.. What the hell?? you have my face I replied.”

I heard this from a female comedian. Funny stuff.

Yooper Humor!!!

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first Baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'

Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't Finished yet!'

The doctor den held up a little girl..

He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by

this, and then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another Boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!



It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.'

Slammer!!!

L-o-t-s of banjo jokes around [even some reewee, reewee good ones], but up until today I hadn't encountered this one: 

A bluegrass band is at practice when the fiddle and banjo players get into a huge fight. When the guitar player finally separates them, she asks what all of that was about. “He broke my bow!” shouted the fiddle player."   “Well he started it,” the banjo player countered, "he un-tuned two of my strings, and he won’t tell me which ones!”

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

I hope this doesn't get me in trouble/ We are all adults here or should be.

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that f***ed the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

A Texan was visiting Times Square, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the Manhattan Mall is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"What?" "Prepositions.
"You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the Manhattan Mall is at, a$$hole?"

The dyslexic herald was fired immediately after announcing one  couple as

"The Douche and Duckass of Affington".

A guy from Liverpool goes to a costume party, naked, with a young woman tied to his back.
"What are you supposed to be?" asks the host.
"A turtle," the young man replies.
"But you're naked, and you have a woman tied to your back."
"That's not a woman, that's Michelle!"

A shepherd tells his talking dog to go up the hill and round up the sheep.
'Ok - Boss' says the dog.
An hour later the dog returns.
'Done it - Boss'
'How many did you find ?' asks the shepherd.
'40 - Boss'
'But I've only got 38 sheep !'
'But you told me to round them up - Boss'

Before and After . . .

The Picture, as requested . . .

True story from an English barmaid:-

"A customer in my pub wanted some cutlery - but he was German and didn't know the English word, so he asked for food weapons!!!"

Jack

Public Health Guidance: