A woman called her minister and said her husband has just died. She asked him to please come to her house and provide some relief from her distress. He came, she made coffee, and they discussed her situation. Finally, the minister said "If you don't mind my asking, what were your husbands last words ?". The widow's reply was "Put the gun down !!!".

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer:
Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic."
Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?"
Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband."
Pharmacist: "WHAT?"
Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!"
Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?"
Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!"
Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

Made me chuckle

.

Wife: The neighbour kisses his wife every morning before he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?
Husband: I guess I don’t know her that well

LENA: Why do you go on the balcony when I sing? Don't you like to hear me sing?

OLE: Well, I just want the neighbors to see I'm not beating my wife.

Perspective

Death Notice

An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a stroke. While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.

"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."

"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"

"Have it say, "Ruth died.""

"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.
However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought.
Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying
Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

What's the difference between intelligence and stupidity???

................Intelligence has a limit.

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book.

.

.

.

youtu.be/kTNeBhqi3zY

"In due time..."
After 45 years of marriage, Sarah became pregnant and had a child at age 65, which is a miracle in itself. After returning home, her neighbor, Alice, rushed over to see the new baby. Here is the conversation.
Alice: "I came to see the new baby!"
Sarah: "In due time... Sit and have a cup of coffee with me."
After they finished one cup, Alice asked, "Can I see Jr. now?"
Sarah: "In due time... Have another cup of coffee!"
After the second cup, Alice was getting impatient, and asked again, "Can I see the baby now?"
Sarah: "In due time..."
Alice: "Why are we waiting so long to see Jr.... Is there sometime wrong?"
Sarah: "I'm waiting for him to start crying."
Alice: "Why are you waiting for that!?"
Sarah: "I laid him down when I got home and can't remember where I put him!"

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent . Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Harris County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

xkcd.com/859/

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?r>
Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.

Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.

Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

“I don’t remember.”

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office and starts telling the doctor all about his anxieties and fears. The podiatrist tells the moth, "That's not my field of study, you should have went to a psychiatrist, why did you come here?" The moth says, "Cause the light was on."