While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"....

Three housewifes got fed up of cooking, so the three wives (a British, a French and a Russian ) decided not to cook for three days.

At the end of the three days, they met again.

The British said "the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking".

The french said "the first day I didn't see anything, the second day he took me to a restaurant".

The Russian said "the first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything either but the third day I could see a little bit with my left eye".

I used to crastinate as much as as possible. But recently, I've gotten so good at it that I've turned PRO !

.

.

"What do you call a running turkey?"
"Fast food."

Too real

.

.

Funny, but I actually like bagpipes

quote:

---

Originally posted by dat

 

Funny, but I actually like bagpipes

---

With ketchup?

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read any of it.

I just drove by an excavator with a sign on it that read
"Halloween Special
Bodies Buried $5
Buried Deeper $10"

A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

It was a lot more fun to be twenty in the Seventies than to be seventy in the Twenties.

Q: How many seconds are there in a year?

A: 12: January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd & December 2nd

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home. Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years." the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?" "Did it save time" the person in the audience asked. Actually, yes replied the expert.
It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven

At breakfast, the wife asks her husband “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
He says, “I’d take my half and leave you.”

She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”

Jim came home from work last night exhausted. He said to his wife, "I need my glasses
checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."
Perplexed, his wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to
death?"
Jim responded "I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time."

Now that's my kind of health announcement:

https://www.rickmckeon.com/guitarlessons/Other%20Stuff/tequila.mp3

A new england fisherman wanted to be a magician, his first trick started as …
Pick a cod, any cod

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"