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Late at night, a police officer finds a drunk man crawling around on his hands and knees under a streetlight. The drunk man tells the officer he’s looking for his wallet. When the officer asks if he’s sure this is where he dropped the wallet, the man replies that he thinks he more likely dropped it across the street. “Then why are you looking over here?” the befuddled officer asks. “Because the light’s better here,” explains the drunk man.

Your map of Ireland's counties is INCOMPLETE!
Put a CORK in it!

I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,
“I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

Why did the rodeo bronc rider wear sneakers?
So people wouldn’t mistake him for a truck driver.

I have hidden a political joke.

Let's leave political jokes for some other forum where it's not against the rules and regulations, okay?

But, Sherry.... was it ^^ funny?   

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure:
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

The Irish airlines Aer Lingus is branching into other modes of transportation, including a subway system that guarantees many happy travelers. They will call it "Tunnel Lingus".

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

They took a survey in the United Arab Emirates and found that -

the people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones -

but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

A man goes to a doctor and explains that he’s been having strange dreams lately.
“Well, every night I go to sleep,” the man says, “I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants.”
As a result, the doctor answers “Okay, take this medicine,” the doctor says. “It will fix the problem.”
However, before he takes the medicine, however, the man hesitates. “Can I take it tomorrow, doctor? Today is the finals.”

A joke about Swedes

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, if you can't than you buy me one.

Sven: Sure, I like riddles.

Indian Man: They are my father's child but not my brother. They are my mother's child but not my sister. Who are they?

Sven: I have no idea. Who are they?

Indian Man: Me! Good riddle huh?

Sven: Yes a very good one.

So he buys the man an ice cream.

His vacation is over and he in back southern Minnesota. He is also in line at a Dairy Queen.

He spots his friend Lars nearby and decides to try to get a free ice cream.

Sven: Hey Lars! I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, if you can't than you buy me one.

Lars: Ok. I like riddles.

Sven: Ok then. They are my father's child but not my brother. They are my mother's child but not my sister. Who are they?

Lars: I don't know. Who is it?

Sven: Some Indian guy up north.

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring liturgy of the passion of Christ in church on Good Friday.
Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye.
Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"

The desires of a 72 year old man:
A 72-year old man is having a drink at a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he can’t take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring and approaches the man. Before he has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone, “I’ll do anything you’d like … anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, no more and no less, and there’s one other condition.”
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what the condition is.
The girl replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words, no more and no less.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer. Suddenly, he whips out his wallet and places five twenty-dollar bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly, “Paint my house.”
(Our needs change as we get older.)