An elderly couple were at a county fair. There was a pilot that was giving flights in his plane over the fair grounds for $10. The wife wanted to go, but her husband said, "That's too much... $10 is $10!" The wife was very annoyed at her tight husband. The pilot told them that, if they would take the flight, and not say a word during the flight, that it would be free. The husband agreed. The couple didn't know that the pilot was a stunt pilot. He did flips, and twists, and dives, but he couldn't believe that he never heard a word from his two passengers. He finally landed the plane, turned around in his seat to tell them that the flight was free, when he noticed the husband was missing. He asked the wife, "Where's your husband!?" She replied, "Oh he fell out on the third flip... I almost screamed, but as he said, $10 is $10!"

But, if it's a GIRL, they were going to name her Amanda Lynne!

I suppose it's not a joke per se, but it made me laugh:

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Q: A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?
A: American.

A: Which language is the least spoken one in the world?
Q: Sign language...

The dating agency sent a new girl over to Dracula's castle for him to consider taking on a date. But Dracula sent her back. She wasn't his type.

Three Plumbers and three Electricians are about to board a train to a Teamsters convention.

The Electricians notice that the Plumbers bought only one ticket between them. The Electricians ask the Plumbers how they plan on getting to the convention. "Watch and learn," one of the Plumbers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three plumbers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says "ticket please!" The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor.

The electricians are impressed, and decide that's what they will do on the trip back. Then on the return trip, the electricians notice that the plumbers haven't bought any tickets. "How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?" they ask. "Watch and learn," one of the Plumbers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three electricians hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the plumbers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please!"

 

Reminds me of a long ago apartment mate one Sat a.m. that had a few minor facial bruises/abrasions. I asked what had happened??   "Oh, you know me. I was still yapping and the other guys started punching."

 ... typo up ^^ there .... so far as I know, there was only one other guy.

A pastor gets a call from a woman that says her husband has just died, so he rushes over to her house to console her. When he arrives, she is sitting on the couch crying. He goes over, sits by her side, holds her hand, and offers words of encouragement. She looks up with tears in her eyes, and says, "I'll never forget the last words he said to me...." The pastor said, "What were they?" She answered, "Please, don't shoot!"

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

"Now, how about that drink?"

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

.... and another re. being specific w.r.t. instructions:

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly amused.


When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied,

Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,

"The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident", I just lost it.

Dunno whether this is to be pitied or laughed at....

.

A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, "You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another 'Woof' for the same price."
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. "But that would make no sense at all."

.... and for anybody in need of a real groaner: "Police have confirmed that the man who died in a fall from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"