... and lest anybody wants to get excited (?) I've already gotten my wife to slap my wrists ... yep, both of them:

I saw this on a hand printed sign in a car once, stuck on the passenger side dash, in a car in a parking lot:
ABSOLUTLY NO SMOKING!
DO NOT touch the heat controls!
DO NOT touch the radio buttons!
DO NOT tell the driver how to drive!

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it is also a matter of time before there is a country song where the guy’s trucks leave him.

Bhojali finds himself in dire trouble.His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Ganesh for help.

He goes into the temple and begins to pray: "Oh Ganesh,please help me,I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, im going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Bohjaji goes back to the temple: "Ganesh please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes Bholaji still has no luck.

Back to the temple he goes: "My Ganesh,why have you forsaken me.? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servent to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life in order?"

Suddenly there is a binding flash of li ght as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: "Bholaji, buy a lottery ticket first.

I didn't create this... I just stumbled across it online.

Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.

Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."

However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became aroused when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.

"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."

"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."

Cop pulls a motorist over, and this conversation ensues:

https://www.gocomics.com/duplex/2022/12/16?ct=v&cti=2090270

34 pages left to go....

DANG! Can't copy and paste the cartoon.

CLEAN, though!

https://www.gocomics.com/realitycheck/2022/12/11?ct=v&cti=2090270

... campfire story to make yer blood run cold:

Now let's grab our banjos and SING!!

============================

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king:
"Do you smell what I smell?

"Do you smell what I smell?

A breeze, a breeze,

Back behind your knees,

And it's spreading doom and disease!

It is spreading doom and disease!

=======================

... popped up on my facebook feed today:

OK, I want these! Yup I'd do it

.

One eventful day 3 nuns were driving in a car when the car spun out of control crashing and killing all of them. They went up to heaven and as they were waiting outside the gates into heaven.

St. Peter appeared. "Before I let you in you all have to answer 1 question for me" he said.

He turns to the first nun and says "Who were the two first people on the earth created by god?" The nun responded by saying "adam and eve". St. peter acccepted her answer and let her into heaven.

He then turns to the second nun and says "Where did adam and eve live? ". The nun responded by saying " The garden of eden ". St. peter accepted this answer as well and let this nun into heaven.

He then turns to the last nun and says " this question is a little bit more difficult. What was the first thing that eve said to adam?" The nun stood there and thought about this question for a while. Not knowing what the answer is she goes " Thats a hard one ". St. peter says "correct " and lets her into heaven.

Did you hear about that bank that was robbed by a sock-puppet the other day?
A guy was going up to the teller's window to make a deposit when suddenly,
this sock-puppet jumps in front of him with a loaded pistol.
It aims the gun at the teller and in a squeaky little voice, demands all her cash in a bag.
The guy claims he had nothing to do with it, but the cops think he might have had a hand in it.

A bank robber robs a bank.
Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:
"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.
The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.
"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.
The robber shoots him as well.
The robber then turns to the third hostage and asks the same question:
"And you, did you see who robbed the bank?"
"No, I did not." replies the man.
"But my wife did."

"... the cops think he might have had a hand in it." reminds me of  the headline/subheading: "Toilets at Police Station Stolen / Cops say they have nothing to go on."