A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.
He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again followed by another right, until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
A few hours later, the man calls his wife at home, asking, "Hey, is the cat still there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"
"Put him on the phone", the man says, "I am lost and need directions."
. So my neighbour was working in his front garden when he was startled by a car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "How do you know?"
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him, yes and handed it to him."
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore.'
So I thanked him and left!
Edited by - chuckv97 on 09/11/2022 22:44:37
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
^^ A former Flin Flon Bomber told me that 'way back they had a trainer named Nicky Oklubdzia .... but they referred to him as Nicky Alphabet.
Edited by - Owen on 09/12/2022 18:27:05
Want to impress the eye doctor. When asked to read the smallest line on the eye chart reply with
Made in China.
Edited by - 5B-Ranch on 09/12/2022 18:42:15
Now let's all grab our banjos and sing along with JOHN DENVER!
Colorado Rocky Mountain snack!
Just two delicious oysters in a sack...
Sit around the campfire, and toast 'em nearly black!
Colorado Rocky Mountain snack
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try, ”sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”
An 80-year old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked: “Where are you going?”
He replied: “To the kitchen.”
She asked: “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
Then his wife asked him: “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
“No, I can remember that.”
“Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that,” his wife said.
“I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replied: “Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he said: “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said: “You forgot my toast.”
Have posted these before but they do relate to Janolov's post.
Only 33 more pages to go............
I suspect it's been around for a fair bit of time, but I'm still chuckling from seeing it on a vehicle in front of me t'other day. YMMV:
"HOW'S MY DRIVING? CALL: 1-800-EAT-S***."
Maybe I gotta get out more?? 
Edited by - Owen on 09/23/2022 17:14:51
A known fact that 95% of all electric cars are still on the road.... The other 5% made it home! :)
Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?
It’s called a Voltswagen.
********************************************************
... he was plain old Lon Musk
*****************************************************
Am just wondering if the car will have windows?
*************************************************************
Why did Elon name his electric car the “Tesla”?
Because “Muskmobile” didn’t pass the smell test.
**********************************************************
Edited by - janolov on 09/24/2022 02:35:02
Don't ask me why, but I went to see a fortune teller.
She started by looking in her crystal ball. The more she stared---the more dire her expression became.
Pretty quickly she looked really alarmed and kept saying "Oh no! This isn't good!!!"
Then she got out her Tarot cards and threw those down and again rubbed her forehead and said "This is definitely NOT good!!!" The she handed me a cup of tea and said "Drink this quick." Then she read the leaves in the cup and said "Oh no-----that confirms it !!!"
"So what the hell is going on!!??" I blurted at her. By now, she's white as a sheet and shaking all over.
"Well I have what you might call "good news" and some "bad news."
"Okay," I said, "what's the good news???"
She swallowed hard and said: "Well I see a lot of changes in your future and they're gonna happen very fast-----lots and lots of them---and very fast."
"And what's the bad news??"
"Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll," she stammered, "they'll all involve.... adult diapers."
Down here in Green Valley AZ, we've got lots of retired OFs (and I'm probably one too).
I've seen a bumper sticker that reads, "Helen Keller is alive and driving in Green Valley."
The most often heard pickup line in bars is, "Tell me, do I come here often?"
Don't know how to post it directly.
http://1 and Done by Eric Scott for October 14, 2022 | GoComics.com
quote:
Originally posted by mike gregoryDon't know how to post it directly.
http://1 and Done by Eric Scott for October 14, 2022 | GoComics.com
It's a cartoon of rwo people in their living room, with their dog by the open window.
Dog is on his hind legs, has a banjo.
Person says
"Oh, great! Now every dog in the neighborhood will join in!"
(Funnier SEEN than READ!)
quote:
Originally posted by mike gregoryquote:
Originally posted by mike gregoryDon't know how to post it directly.
http://1 and Done by Eric Scott for October 14, 2022 | GoComics.com
It's a cartoon of rwo people in their living room, with their dog by the open window.
Dog is on his hind legs, has a banjo.
Person says
"Oh, great! Now every dog in the neighborhood will join in!"
(Funnier SEEN than READ!)
Thanks, Jan!
...and another groaner for your consideration:
How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?
4 years.
They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.
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