I use to be addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey.  Luckily I managed to turn myself around.

I took my hearing aids to the shop to be fixed.  I haven't heard anything yet.

I enjoy elevator jokes.  I find them funny on so many levels.

A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, :Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender replies, "I dunno. What does he look like?"

.

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."
The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's the best portrait of Elvis that I have ever done. You owe me $200 for that" says the artist as he defends his work.

"Well either way, I am not done" says the old lady. "I want another tattoo of James Dean's face on the inside of my other thigh."

The artist agrees, does the tattoo, and tells her to check it out.

"This looks nothing like James Dean! You are a terrible artist!" the old lady yells.

The artist tells her that it must be the angle and convinces her to go outside and ask for a second opinion. So she goes outside, sees a guy sitting on the park bench. Right in front of him, she pulls her pants down and says "does this look like Elvis or James Dean to you?"

The guy on the park bench looks at her, squints his eyes and says "I don't know about that but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson"

quote:

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Originally posted by chuckv97

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Well, he's clearly left the building.

Elvis was driving down the highway when he got into an accident.

The paramedics found him and realised he was in shock and so they told him, "Mr. Presley, we need you to step out of the vehicle, you're all shook up."

What was Elvis assigned to do when he joined the army?

To look for Suspicious Mines.

Just saw Elvis at the hardware store...

Returned a sander!

What do you call an Arabian Elvis in an earthquake?

Amal Shookup

I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!

A bus full of Elvis enthusiasts has crashed on their way to an Elvis convention.

Witnesses say no one was injured but they're all shook up.

My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"

I'm all shook up…

Elvis climbs out of his swimming pool..

..watched by his wife Priscilla. As soon as he climbs out he falls back in again. This happens over and over until finally Priscilla asks him what's going on.

"I just can't help falling in, love."

Just sliping this in here! 

That's pretty cool!

Your kid was chewing ELECTRIC cords?

We are a family of FOLKSINGERS!!

MY son only chews ACOUSTIC cords!

.

How come the word "panties" is plural, but "bra" is singular?

This joke is at least 55 years old:

Q: What do you get if you cut a bra in half?
A: Two yarmulkes, with chin straps.

A Brief History of Medicine

**Patient:** "I have an ear ache."

**Doctor:**

2000 B.C. - "Eat this root."

1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1750 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1960 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2010 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial, eat this root."

Fun Fact:
Most archeologists are women.

They have this uncanny ability to dig up the past.

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.
From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires. From this discovery, they concluded that America was advanced enough 200 years ago to have telephone connections in all their towns and cities.

Not to be outdone by their old enemies, the Russians formed a crack team of their own archaeologists and sent them to dig in Siberia. They dug to a depth of 25 feet and found absolutely nothing beneath the ice and snow. From this, they concluded that they were so far ahead of the British and Americans that 250 years ago, they had wireless coverage not only in their cities but even in the remotest part of their country.

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quote:

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Originally posted by janolov

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The ferry to Port Aux Basque, Newfoundland in the sixties had a poster that said:
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
Teach him to fish and he can collect pogy all winter.

Try # 2....

What the???? Now it's magically appeared in the previous post????