A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband
One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"

"No not yet" the officer says

Dispatch says "Why not?"

The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

A man named Al was having some trouble with an aggravating, nagging wife. It came to the point he could not stand to be around her, and could not get her out of the house. So he finally came up with the idea of hiring a hit man to finally get the job done. Al decided he could trust his friend Artie to help him find the right person for the job. Artie told Al that this might be a rather expensive proposition, and the less that knew about it the better. So Artie decided to step up for his friend and do the job himself, for the sole price of only $1. Agreement made, Artie proceeded to sneak over to the house, and do the job quietly. When he arrived, he found an insurance salesman who spotted him at the front door. Not to have any witnesses, Artie decided to suffocate the gentleman. Next, he entered the house and noticed Al's Mother in Law had come for a visit. Not to leave any witnesses, Artie took care of her next. Then, sneaking up the stairs, he finally found his quarry, snuck up behind her, and with bare hands, he suffocated her. A perfect crime, except as Artie was leaving, he was nabbed. A neighbor had noticed him and made a prowler call in the neighborhood to the police. Artie ended up being booked for three murders. The headlines in the paper the next day read, "ARTIE CHOKES, THREE FOR A DOLLAR.

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A gentleman visits a museum.
Suddenly he stops and says to the guide: Ah, it's ugly!
I beg your pardon that's a Picasso, the guide answers.
Further on, he exclaims again: Ah, it's really ugly!
"That sir, it's a mirror!"

We all know of Cleopatra, but nobody remembers the name of her banjo-picking musician.

But this gal wrote a song, a version of which is still sung to this very day.

Cleopatra was from Heliopolis, famous for the temple dedicated to Ra, the SUN GOD.

Also famous for the viper, the  deadly asp, known locally as the Een-Een.

We are familiar with the story of how, when Cleopatra's army was facing defeat, and she knew she might be taken captive and treated most horribly, she chose instead to clutch the viper to her breast, be bitten, and die!

And her faithful bard immortalized her dying words in this lyric:

"It's good to clutch...The Een-Een asp of home."

quote:

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Originally posted by janolov

A bank robber robs a bank.
Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:
"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.
The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.
"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.
The robber shoots him as well.
The robber then turns to the third hostage and asks the same question:
"And you, did you see who robbed the bank?"
"No, I did not." replies the man.
"But my wife did."

---

I've read quite a few of the latest offerings and they were entertaining but this one made me laugh out loud. Does this say something of my demeanor? I'm begining to think it may.

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An alcoholic is sitting at a bar. He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…
…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the lad is ushered in by the receptionist to meet Dandy Dan DeVille, talent scout extraordinaire.

“Son, time is money,” says DeVille, “and I see you brought a cardboard box, which interests me so slightly I’m already feeling like I’m hemorrhaging cash talking with you.”

Still beet red, the young man now develops a tic yet manages to stammer, “I have a m-m-musical a-a-act.”

DeVille says, “Well, for my sake, it better not be vocal.”

The youth opens the box in his lap and removes a tiny piano and an even tinier stool, which he places gently in front of the keys.

DeVille, curious, leans in.

The youth then produces a gray mouse, which he sets on the stool. Reaching back inside the box, he pauses, then slowly withdraws his hand, and Deville sees a lovely monarch butterfly alighting on the lad’s finger. The butterfly flutters down to the table beside the piano. Taking a deep breath, the lad snaps his fingers.

At this, the mouse starts playing “Misty” on the piano and the butterfly starts singing in the most lush soprano Deville has ever heard.

The talent scout is dumbfounded.

The lad snaps his fingers again, and the mouse starts playing “O Mio Babino Caro,” with the butterfly skillfully navigating the aria with ease.

Tears welling in his eyes at the beauty of this performance, DeVille fumbles in his desk, pulls out a contract with five layers of carbon copies, and shoves it in front of the young man.

“This is the single greatest act I’ve seen in 27 years of doing this,” says DeVille. “We’ll do Madison Square Garden, Royal Albert Hall, the Bolshoi. Son, you’re rich. Hell, WE’RE rich. Just sign the contract and make this official, and I’ll have you headlining across the globe!”

The young man picks up the paperwork, reads it, and sweat starts pouring from his brow. He loosens his tie and mops his forehead with it.

“Is th-th-this a legal d-d-document?” he asks hesitantly. “Could I go to j-j-jail?”

“Son, why would you even ask such a stupid question? You’re on the cusp of millions!” DeVille shouts.

“Well, you see,” the young man explains, “the b-b-butterfly can’t really sing. The m-m-mouse is a ventriloquist.”

I was confused when my printer started making music
Until i realized the paper was... jamming.

The meme (?) I posted ^^ actually isn't too far from the truth.  One Sat. a.m while working on the fly-in reserves, I was out scraping the skating rink, and a few kiddos were out and about. There was an island about 1/2 mile offshore and I could see some movement at one end of it. So I asked: "Is somebody out there fishing?"  Kiddo: "No, they're hunting." Me, probably expecting caribou or moose as an answer: "Oh, what are they hunting for?"  Kiddo: "Fish."

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AGENT: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?"

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.I'm not too worried.

I think she's jokingnjnrgbrwooo jfivemm@8mnjffjfj@0mnfjbx,eejjjhjhhhghh h44f8h89599ieuurridg57nnMeE  kiEe

A grandmother is watching her grandson play on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you. My life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back". Then a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!"

-the Nuns-

"Make it look like an accident."

-Michael Corleone-

Why did the Mafia hire a magician?
They heard he was an expert in making people disappear.

70% of the Earths surface is water and virtually none of it is carbonated. Ergo, the Earth is indeed flat.

Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

Give a man a fish..... and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish.... and he'll drink beer all day.