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Originally posted by janolov

 

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They actually do exactly that when implanting cardiac pacemakers / defibrillators. They stop the heart to see whether the defi kicks in.

C, E-flat and G walk into a bar together. The bartender tells them to get out, "We don't serve minors!"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce...and the Judge asked Baby Bear if he wants to stay with Papa Bear...Baby Bear said, "No your honor, he beats my Mom all the time"... The Judge asked if Baby Bear wants to live with Mama Bear? Baby Bear said,  "No your honor, she beats me all the time"... So the Judge asked Baby Bear with a worried voice..., "So, Baby Bear...who do you want to live with?"  Baby Bear said...,"The Chicago Bears...they don't beat anyone!"

In a Facebook chat it said: "Describe yourself in just one word."

I responded: "I am a person who doesn't follow instructions very well."

There are only three kinds of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can't.

.... to wit:

quote:

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Originally posted by BNJOMAKR

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce...and the Judge asked Baby Bear if he wants to stay with Papa Bear...Baby Bear said, "No your honor, he beats my Mom all the time"... The Judge asked if Baby Bear wants to live with Mama Bear? Baby Bear said,  "No your honor, she beats me all the time"... So the Judge asked Baby Bear with a worried voice..., "So, Baby Bear...who do you want to live with?"  Baby Bear said...,"The Chicago Bears...they don't beat anyone!"

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Back in the Seventies they told this joke, but it was about the Toronto Maple Leafs.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Mr. Churchill was asked his opinion on Russia's current policy regarding the Ukraine.

Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.

I thought my new girlfriend might be THE one.

But after noticing a French maid's outfit, a nurses uniform, and a police woman's uniform in her undies drawer I changed my mind.  I decided if she couldn't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along too. Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you it's a lot easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. One hunter said to the other a little while later, "You know that guy was right. This is a lot easier" "Yeah, but we're getting further from the truck"

One night at the dinner table, a wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the larger one and leave me the smaller one. You don't love me anymore....
"Nonsense darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bar tender that he'll have 12 beers. The bar tender sits them on the bar, and the guys starts drinking them as fast as he can swallow. After he has forced down over half of them, the bar tender says, "Hey man... slow down! Why are you drinking so fast?" The man answers, "If have what I've got, you'd drink as fast as you could, too!" The bar tender, feeling concerned, asks, "Oh yeah, what do you have?" The man answers, "75 cents!"

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

A dog and a cat were discussing which of them humans liked the most. The dog said me of course after all they named a very important part of their anatomy after us canine teeth. The cat looks at the dog and says you're not going to win this.

Banjo Envy

Henny Youngman joke.Two Jewish men wanted to kill Nasser. For one month they watch his every move and saw that every day at noon he’d pass the same restaurant. So the next day they went across the street from the restaurant armed with guns and waited. noon, no Nasser, 12:30 no, 1 o’clock no, by 1:30 one looks at the other says gee... I hope nothings happened to him!

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

Politicians from all parties, in the House AND the Senate, are planning to merge the Department of Urban Planning  (D.U.P) with the Office of Safety and Health Administration.

This was because when Congressional aides did a telephone survey, asking voters what they would most like their elected representatives to do, the vast majority of responses were OSHA-DUP!

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike
Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.

The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.