I bought a new sweater the other day. When I got home, I couldn't wear it because it was full of static electricity. I took it back to the store and they replaced it with another, free of charge! :)

A group of SouthCarolina bikers were riding East on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says"Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says:
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The doctor told me that sex, drugs and rock and roll would kill me, so I gave up rock and roll.

.

Now let's all grab our banjos and SING!

===============================

"Come and sit by my side, if you love me!

Go and sit on a stove, if you don't..."

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.
He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see,” the doctor interrupted. You poured water on a grease fire on the stove didn’t you?”

“Oh course not,” said the man. “How stupid do you think I am?”

“My mistake,” the doctor replied. “So how did you burn your face?”

The embarrassed man continued, “As I was saying, my wife’s out of town and so I having to do my own cooking and cleaning…”

“Now I see,” the doctor interjected again. “You slipped and fell face first into a scalding mop bucket. The water doesn’t have to be that hot you know.”

“Of course I know that! I’m not an idiot,” the man explained, “and that’s not what happened either!

“My apologies again sir. So how DID you burn your face?

Turning red, the man started again “As I was saying, my wife is out of town this week and so I am having to do the cooking, cleaning AND the laundry.”

“Yes I get that,” the doctor exclaimed. “But how did that lead to third degree burns on both cheeks?”

“Well see doc, I was ironing my clothes for work and was in quite a hurry. I had just mopped the kitchen and breakfast was burning on the stove. During all of the commotion, the phone rang. Flustered, I grabbed the iron instead of the phone and pressed it up hard and fast to my face. I have never experienced such pain doctor.“

“Oh, now I see,” the doctor sympathized. “But how did you burn the other side of your face?”

Puzzled, the man replied, “well, obviously they called back!”

A man was in a bar about as drunk as a person could get.

A group of guys saw how drunk he was and decided to be Good Samaritans and take him home.

They struggled to get him up, to get his wallet, to find his address, but he kept falling down.

He fell eight more times trying to get him to the car, each time with a hard thud.

After getting him to his house, he fell four more times on the way to the door.

His wife answered the door, and one guy said, "We wanted your husband to get home safely, so we drove him home."

The woman, looking confused, said, "Thanks... but where's his wheel chair?"

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.
I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.

As she walked away, I asked:

Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?

A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.

Grandpa: it’s not too bad. I just wish they would let me fart.

.

USA wooing Canada

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject and after gathering all of the necessary equipment decided to head for the ice.

Once on the ice, she pulls out her auger and starts to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now worried, moved further away and again pulls out her auger and begins to cut another hole.

The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Looking skyward, the blonde and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO LADY, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup, and not use it?”

The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, a relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?

The man shook his head. "No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Stop the presses!!

....... "almost."   

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045
I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was saying but I figured the risk of transmission was low due to his protective gear and frankly, I was ready for some human interaction, even from a potential crazy person, so I let him in.

He sat down and said he wanted to tell me some things about the future because if this knowledge was entrusted to me, I could be trusted to use it for good. Over the next few minutes he told me about many things but I was left with many questions. He said I could ask a few, so I did.

I asked about climate change. He assured me that after 2035, nations got serious and the problem has been all but solved.

I asked about Covid-19. He assured me it would be a blip on the radar of human history and nobody worries about pandemics anymore.

I asked about massive economic turmoil we are in. He said despite the borrowing and deficits of earlier times, those debts are now repaid. The United States has never been a better more united society. Everyone has free healthcare.

I was so happy to hear all this. I asked about inflation and how much it costs for a gallon of water, or a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee. He chuckled and said I didn't need to worry about such trivial things. In the year 2045, it was possible to still get coffee at Starbucks in America for under 150 Yuan.

.

....a "groaner" if ever there was one:

A man took a seat at the counter of a shady diner in the rough part of town.

The waitress approached and asked, "What would you like?"

The man answered, "I'd like a lobster tail."

To which the waitress replied, "Once upon a time there was a handsome lobster ... ".

Shady reminds me of the Danny Kaye song "Anatole of Paris" with the verses
I'll never forget the morning
That grandpa ate the awning
To try and impress the lady
Who went for men who were shady