An artist's rendition of MY funeral!

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I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".

I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Slammer???

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. YOUR LOVING HUSBAND.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

A minister dies..
..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...
Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to park on the east side of the street to make room for the plows.
Again, the woman jumps up and runs with her keys to move her car accordingly.
The next night as the broadcast is about to give the instructions, they lose power and don't hear which side to park the car on.
The wife frantically asks her husband what they should do.
He replies, just leave it in the garage tonight dear.

A couple of groaners appeared on my facebook page today: 

"I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He's a singer-songwriter.   .... or sew it seams."

and: 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

I trust somebody besides me will see the humour (?) in this:

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Home Covid Test
1. Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.

2. If you can smell the wine then drink it & see if you can taste it.

3. If you can taste & smell it confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative, thank God.

Tonight I am going to do the test again, because this morning I woke up with a headache & feel like I'm coming down with something.

** Remember you may get a false negative! You should retest regularly.

One of the local guys into tractor pulling posted this on his Facebook page:

Slammer!!!

I'm writing a symphony based on songs created by killer whales.






It will be performed by an orcastra.

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Slammer!!!

Slammer!!!

This guy enters a bar with his dog but the bartender tells him dogs aren't allowed.
The guy says I promise he will be good and I'll take him out if he has to go,we just want to watch the Bears play.
The bartender thinks to himself ..why not...
The game is going the dog is quietly laying down until the Bears kick a field goal.
The dog jumps up starts howling and running around the room in celebration.
The bartender asks the guy whats he do for a touchdown?
The guy says I don't know I've only had him two years.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Dodge is introducing its new electric sports car this year. They are calling it the BATTERY CHARGER.