The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

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Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you put, “Me neither!”

.

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

quote:

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Originally posted by janolov

Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you put, “Me neither!”

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That joke so reminds me of a childhood friend I know that I have tears in my eyes! Thanks!

Not a joke, but ^^ reminds me of something I found kinda funny.  A school I taught at long ago received a note: "If you don't give us friday off a bome will go off in the school."   Part of education (?) back then was something called OEC?? [Occupational Entrance Course??] or some similar designation. So instead of getting "excited" the admin. quietly slipped a spelling test into the OEC classes.   "Bomb" was one of the words...... and wouldn't you know?.... one paper got handed in with bomb spelled "bome."  Ah, well, ya can't win 'em all.

Today on the "Far Side":

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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How does a guitarist get a million dollars?

Start off with 2 million and try to make a living playing the guitar.

What is the difference between a rock guitarist, and a jazz guitarist?

One plays three chords in front of thousands of people, the other plays thousands of chords in front of three people.

When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:

Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?" A waitress: "Is it because the Sun makes them perspire?"

Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?" An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"

Jay Leno: What are magnets?" A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"

Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?" A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes in America.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, if you can't than you buy me one.

Sven: Sure, I like riddles.

Indian Man: They are my father's child but not my brother. They are my mother's child but not my sister. Who are they?

Sven: I have no idea. Who are they?

Indian Man: Me! Good riddle huh?

Sven: Yes a very good one.

So he buys the man an ice cream.

His vacation is over and he in back southern Minnesota. He is also in line at a Dairy Queen.

He spots his friend Ole nearby and decides to try to get a free ice cream.

Sven: Hey Ole! I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, if you can't than you buy me one.

Ole: Ok. I like riddles.

Sven: Ok then. They are my father's child but not my brother. They are my mother's child but not my sister. Who are they?

Ole: I don't know. Who is it?

Sven: Some Indian guy up north.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain,
Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.

And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

On the last day of a Floridian vacation, a lady of advancing years thought it would be nice to take her accordion down to the beach and play a little music to the Gulf of Mexico. So bright and early, she leaves her sleeping husband, grabs her accordion and heads to the beach.
She starts playing and pretty soon a crowd gathers to hear the music. Before she knew it, she was giving a concert to a bunch of gathering beach-combers. One tune led to the next and the time just flew by. Suddenly she realized it was almost "check out time" at the beach resort, so she hurried back as quick as she could to get her husband, Ralph. When she got to the room it was locked and she had no key. Banging on the door didn't help, so she went down to the main desk and told them her problem. She hoped her husband hadn't already checked out for them. "I'll ring the room and will see if he answers." said the clerk. The phone rang six times with no answer. "I'm sorry, but no one answers. "He couldn't possibly have checked out!!" exclaimed the lady. "No, not at all, " said the clerk reassuringly. "I'd say there's a good outside chance your husband is just moving his bowels." "Oh no!" said the lady, "There's no outside chance of that 'cause Ralphy always poops indoors."

A Chicago sales is tired of city life and moves to woods of Minnesota. After 6 months of relaxation and not seeing anybody a big Swede knocks on his door. Swede introduces himself as Lars and lives about a mile away by the lake. Lars invites the city slicker to a party on Saturday night at his place. Interested in getting out the city slicker agrees. Lars warns him there will be some drinking, some fighting and sex. City slicker responds he's been to parties like that and what should I wear.
Lars responds it doesn't matter its only going to be the two of us.