I saw a shrink’s office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

Friends - God's attempt to apologize for your family.

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.
Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towards the end of it he notices that one old guy is staring at him. He finishes his half hour and is about to leave and that old guy approaches him.

The comic is a bit nervous that the old guy is gonna confront him about what he just did. He braces himself for some uncomfortable confrontation and the old guy ask him "How do you remember all those jokes?!"

.

I went to my eye test today.
Optician said :"I want you to look into this machinery and tell me what you see.."
I replied:"I see a geezer eating a bat, pubs closed and people wearing masks "
'Fantastic '..he says 'you've got 2020 vision '

The most exciting acne cream commercial ever broadcast!

.

How many vegans does it take to screw up a deer hunting thread?

Just the one

Wow.................just Wow!!!
Slammer!!!

.

Mack and Buddy were out on a hunting trip. After a heavy night on the beer they were out in their stands feeling somewhat worse for wear. Mack got lucky and dropped a nice big buck, the most beautiful example of a sentient being that you could wish to see. He dragged the deer back to camp and set up a hoist in a tree. He dug a hole under the deer and started to dress the deer out. Not long after he’d finished, Buddy stumbled back into the camp complaining of a bad stomach, possibly the result of a poorly cooked nut roast or the many beers the night before. Mack pointed to the tree with the hoist and told him there was a hole dug round the back, grasping a roll of toiler paper, Buddy staggered over gratefully. After maybe 45 minutes, Mack was concerned about his friend so he called out to him ‘’hey Buddy are you OK?’’ A weak faltering voice replied ‘’no Mack, I need your help.... I think I managed to crap my guts out into this hole.... but it’s ok, I’ve managed to stuff most of them back in - I just need some help with the last 18 inches, if I give you a stick could you maybe give them a poke and see if you can make them stay back in place’’

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.
So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

.

Should NOT have downloaded the CHEAP version of the SPEEK IT program, where you just TELL your computer what to do, instead of keying in commands.

Asked for  a picture of DIRTY HARRY,

GOT a picture of herdy dairy!

Dunno whether this should be here or in the "puns" thread, but youse guys better appreciate it... it took me mucho effort to get it from the Manitoba Old Tyme & Bluegrass Society's Dec. newsletter to here:

Da yoopie's favorite record album! 

Dec 1, 1955

Dear Santa,

I like playing Cowboys, and thanks for the boots last year,

But I want to SOUND like a cowboy when I walk. Please bring me a some big jangly heel decorations for them.
I promise not to actually kick a horse with them, especially because Mom says our house isn't big enough for a horse,

'

December 24th, 1955

Dear Mike,

This letter is to inform you that Santa has denied your request,  as Santa considers it spurious,

Sincerely,

Ralph the Elf

What a morning! I tried to eat my balaclava and then wear my baklava.

I bumped into a butcher friend in the pub the other day. He was looking pretty glum and when I asked him why he told me he'd just got fired for putting his willy in the bacon slicer at work. I asked him if there's been much damage...… apparently his willy is fine but the bacon slicer is pretty sad that she got the sack too.



I told my 13 year old daughter this one last night - it's great when they are a bit older and you can be a little bit cheeky with them.