It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes each and every one of you and all at the same time", said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch", said Claude holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations", said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"..
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.
And then suddenly the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"S**T", shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens Center and Claude was never invited back again.
The New Brunswick Department of Transportation found over 450 dead crows on Highway #2 East near Salisbury Big Stop this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.
NB DOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows would shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one would shout "Truck"!!!
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
!!!
A plane crashes on a desert island. There are only a few survivors: three Spanish people, three French people and an Englishman. Six months later: one of the Spanish men has killed the other and is now living with the Spanish woman, the three French people have decided to become a threesome and the Englishman is still waiting to be introduced to the others.”
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home‘.
He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’.
‘ it common?’I asked.
‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
Groan....
I went to a zoo with just a dog in it. It was a s***zu.
Dang spell thingy... just put in a HIT.
Edited by - Trewq36 on 09/24/2020 07:15:06
Deacon Bob sent me this:
--------------------------------
[GOD, creating the DUCK]
"Waterproof that chicken, and give it a kazoo!"
------------------------------
So I sent him THIS:
Two old high school buddies meet accidentally after thirty years of graduation.
The first pal talks on and on for twenty minutes.
The second pal says nary a word.
After they part ways, the first guy thinks to himself. "That guy was one of the most intelligent persons' I have ever met".
Two gym members finished working out and were in the locker room getting dressed when Joe noticed Harvey was putting on very fancy lingerie so Joe says to Harvey,
"Hey Harvey when did you start wearing women's lingerie?"
Harvey was embarrassed, sighed heavily and replied, "Ever since my wife found a pair of panties in the glove compartment of my car."
A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yeah that’s cool”
Next she says “oh and on the way home I stopped at the BMW dealership and saw the car I always wanted, it’s up for £50,000 is it ok if I get it?”
The guy says “it’s your dream car so yes of course! But offer “£45,000 and see what they say”
The woman comes back on the phone clearly excited “oh honey that’s so sweet, one last thing, I know you wanted to be involved as well but I’ve found a perfect house for us, on the same street as my parents, it’s £500,000 what do you think?”
The guys says “hey if it’s perfect for us and close to your family why not!”
She says her good byes and he puts the phone down and carry’s on changing, by this point everyone in the changing room is looking at him and thinking the same “this lucky bastard is doing good for himself”
Before anyone can speak to him he looks around at the stunned faces and says
“Does anyone know who’s phone this is”
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:
"Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
.
If you practiced taking old hearses and upgrade them to modern standards, would you be rehearsing?
quote:
Originally posted by Jbo1If you practiced taking old hearses and upgrade them to modern standards, would you be rehearsing?
That joke was diculous the first time,....
but this time, it's rediculous!
https://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/112/A-Pretty-Woman-Sneezes-At-A-Restaurant
too lazy to type it out!
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"
quote:
Originally posted by bubbalouiehttps://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/112/A-Pretty-Woman-Sneezes-At-A-Restaurant
too lazy to type it out!
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
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