.

"I.... Want a girl

Juuuust.... Like the girl,

Who MARRRRIED Dear old DAD!"

( composed by Harry Von Tilzer and with lyrics by William Dillon 1911, )

"Be careful what you wish for!"

-Oedipus Rex-

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

quote:

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Originally posted by chuckv97

[apparently the cartoon went into the "black hole."]

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Makes me think of the CP Holiday Train      We've taken it in a couple of times, but alas not this year.   https://www.cpr.ca/holiday-train/canada  

And that's no joke, but I figured I'd just slip it in here rather than start a "no joke of the day" thread.

Some people are NOT going to set their clocks back, because:
Who The HECK wants even ONE more hour of 2020??

.

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If I ever win the lottery, all of my neighbours are going to be so rich!
I'm going to move to a rich neighbourhood.

One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.
It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

Thank you so much.

Love, Mama"

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

 

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Originally posted by janolov

<snip> He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car....  <snip>

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...reminds me of a comment the 10ish year old friend of one of our daughters made about her parents' car purchase 'way back [maybe more insightful than funny per se]: "My dad wanted a Taurus, but the bank said he should get a Tempo."   Fwiw, the bank won out.

.

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

when the patient ask the doctor if his test said if he had covid 19 or not,, the doctor looked at him very seriously and ask ,, what kind of insurance do you have ?

Teacher: "Jim, use the word 'cauterize' in a sentence."
"As I was walking down the street I cauterize giving me the once-over."

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Talking about jeans - What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.