I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As I passed through the kitchen, I happened to look out through the rear windows. I noticed a man with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said. "That son of a b**** next door still has my shovel."
An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me….Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
"Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the money."
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances."
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ... He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me ... I'm celebrating
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. "I'm a chicken farmer and for months all my hens were infertile, but now they are all laying eggs that are fertilized."
"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal. But she said, "You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!"
She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, his face smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Two guys named LESTER and EARL
were talking about joining up and putting together a group to entertain folks.
Couldn't come up with a name.
Finally decided
"Hey, let's just name it after ourselves!
And that's how Maddox and Scheib got their show biz start!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The pastor was visiting one of the elderly church members in the hospital. She has been admitted for a simple procedure and was recovering very well. Since she was scheduled to be discharged the next day, most ot the conversation was small talk, light and friendly.
The pastor looks down at the empty bowel on her food tray and says, " I'm sorry, I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
Her reply, "Oh, thats OK, I have already sucked the chocolate off of them".
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling...
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright," he continued, "I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and shouted, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
Jan, too bad it's too late to correct the spelling of BOWL.
Emptying one's BOWL is a lot different than emptying one's bowel.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
quote:
And that's how Maddox and Scheib got their show biz start!
Hey, those are the guys that would white-wash any car, one color, no ups, no extras!!!!!!!!!
My wife left a note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold......... God only knows what she was talking about!!
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
And now, one of your favorite songs:
DOGGY FOUNTAIN BREAKDOWN
Kid goes into the Port Clyde General Store wanting some candy.
He asks for a bag of red,yellow,blue and green jellybeans.
Storekeeper says "Oh,you want an assortment."
Kid says"I don't want 'em sorted...I want red ones,yellow ones,blue ones and green ones all together in the same bag!"
'Daughter to father;
Dad, there is something my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I 'have a beautiful chassis, lovely air bags, and a fantastic bumper'.
Fathers response;
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet, and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan'
Years later,Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
If you can start the day without caffeine.
If you can get going without pep pills.
If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him.
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.
If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
If you can conquer tension without medical help.
If you can relax without liquor.
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
.....Then you are probably the family dog!
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?
It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some a**hole shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Angela Merkel was heading to France for discussions on the "Brexit" and the Euro crisis when she arrives at the Customs Office in the Paris airport. The officer asks: Occupation and Merkel replies " No, just visiting"
