I yelled, "COW!" to a woman on a bicycle.     

She gave me the finger. 

Then she ran her bike into a cow.   

I tried.

After a big fight, my neighbor's wife said to him "I suppose when I die, you'll dance on my grave." And with a smirk he said, "Not me, Sweetie. I hate standing in long lines."

quote:

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Originally posted by Jbo1

In the Bare Naked Ladies song "If I Had A Million Dollars", are they talking Canadian or US dollars?

Because if it was Canadian, wouldn't it be "If I Had .79 Million Dollars"?

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They're Canadian. Different value, but they're still dollars, and there's still a million of them.

Fun fact: A Toronto mayor, some time back, banned the Bare Naked Ladies from playing at Nathan Phillips Square (Toronto City Hall) because of their name.

quote:

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Originally posted by Omeboy

After a big fight, my neighbor's wife said to him "I suppose when I die, you'll dance on my grave." And with a smirk he said, "Not me, Sweetie. I hate standing in long lines."

---

My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave!"

I replied, "Perfect! I'm being buried at sea!"

A gas station was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Win Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A couple of weeks later, the same redneck, along with his buddy Billy-Ray, pulled in for a fill-up.  Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck says, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."

Billy-Ray:  "No it ain't ...  my wife won twice last week."

We were driving along the motorway the other day when my wife remarked, "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit ruoy su wohs'."

When I was just a little boy, my parents abandoned me at the zoo.
So I was raised by hyenas. I had no toys and no nice home......but we did have a lot of laughs.

.

What do you find at Asbury Park???
The answer:   https://www.youtube.com/shorts/hX6r6mfKReg

Some will see this as "no joke," but maybe some will see some "funny" as well:  https://www.facebook.com/reel/1369435344403121 

The link to it was given to me by our daughter, who by all appearances seems to be enjoying her role as mother/teacher/mentor/etc. to her three [now teen-aged] sons.   

I was recently asked to run a marathon.   

Right off I said, "Naah." 

Then they said "C'mon, it's for handicapped and blind kids." 

Got me thinking, "Geez ... why not? ... I just might win it."

How did they know what time to set the very first clock that was made??

Answering ^^
Same way they set a sundial!
Seriously:
Back then, when the sun was at its highest, it was noon.
Divide the circular part into 12 segments, and there are your hours.
Sundials are not real useful in submarines, but that's a problem for later, after clocks were in wide use.
=====================================
When my sister married a submariner, I bought a genuine brass porthole, which was sort of inexpensive, because the glass was cracked.
Took OUT the glass, replaced it with brass screen, and gave it to the groom, so HIS nuke boat would be the ONLY one with a screen door.

(You want a USEFUL gift, don't look to ME!)

Bob's wife's birthday was a week away. She had always wanted a mink coat, and since it was the fall of the year, Bob thought it would be a nice gift for the cooler weather. He went to a clothing sore, but when he saw the price of a mink coat, he changed his mind and was leaving. The owner stopped him and asked what was wrong, so Bob told him his situation, that he couldn't afford a mink coat. The owner said, "I have a cheaper alternative. Follow me back into my warehouse." When they got there, 50 hamsters were running around and around in squirrel cages. The owner told Bob, "I can make you a fur coat from hamsters... a lot cheaper, and your wife won't know the difference. Bob said, "Great, I'll pick it up next Friday!"
Bob picked up the gift-wrapped coat on Friday, took it home, and gave it to his wife. She was so excited, and said, "Let's go to the county fair tonight. I can wear my new mink coat and show everybody how much my husband loves me!"
So... off they went. It took Bob two hours to get her off of the Ferris Wheel!

video-ord5-3.xx.fbcdn.net/o1/v...gen2_720p

[AI picture of a man playing banjo, with one foot on the running board of his ATV, and the other on the ground]

I've got one foot on the platform, and the other foot on the terrain!

I'm going back to New Orleans, to wear the ball and chain.

   There is a house, in New Orleans, they call the banjo store
And since I've got the B.A.S., I go there, more and more! 

Until I discovered Asian cooking, I thought that
"SNOW PEAS"
was just another way to leave a message, in winter!

From Babylon Bee ["fake news you can trust"] >> Facebook >> BHO:

Not new by any means, but ................

Old Father Maloney walks into the City Bar the other day, and spots Hebert. He walks over and asks Hebert, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

Hebert replies, "Mais, yeh, I guess so Fadder." Father tells him to go stand over against the wall.

He then sees Thibodeaux, and asks him the same question, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, sure." Father tells him to go stand by Hebert.

Father then spots Boudreaux, and asks him the same question. Boudreaux tells the priest, "Not me, no."

Father Maloney can't believe what he is hearing, and asks Boudreaux again, "My son, don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?"

Boudreaux says, "Oh for sure, Fadder, when I die. I tought you was puttin' a load together to go right now !"

I ordered an chicken and an egg from Amazon.

.... I'll let you know.

.

video-sea5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/o1/v...gen2_720p

fb.watch/G9MNJXTZki/?fs=e

Video would not play for me.
What's the joke?