.
Apparently it's quite an achievement to golf your age. Big deal, I do that every time I go bowling.
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The WORST thing about being self-employed is that, when you call in sick, you KNOW you're lying!
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looked at the other and said ''does this taste funny to you?''
Two Texans died and went to hell. The first day, the devil found them sitting by the fire. He asked them why they weren't burning. The two told him, "If you think this place is hot, you should visit Texas in the summer time!" So that night the devil turned up the thermostat to double. The next day, he found the Texans cooking barbeque over the fire. The devil said, "What do you think you're doing!?" The Texans said, man, this is just the right temperature to cook the best Texas barbeque!" So, that night the devil turned the thermostat down to 10 below zero, and said, "Them Texans won't be happy with the heat tomorrow!" The next day the devil checked on them. The Texans were jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was so disgusted... He shouted at the Texans and said, "What are you all so happy about!!!?" The Texans said, "Hell just froze over... That means that the Dallas Cowboys have just WON A BALLGAME!!!"
Like I was tell'en my neighbor the other day, "You know, I've been shot at, set on fire, poisoned, stabbed, had my skull fractured and ran over by a car. But hey!—no marriage is perfect!"
Many years ago, I actually met my wife's father before I met her. He was going on and on about how wonderful his daughter was. I realize now that he was obviously talking about her sister.
My wife's a bit grouchy today. Yesterday I promised I'd have two beers and be home by 10. ....... I always get those mixed up. 
I bought a second-hand time machine next Sunday. They don't make them like they're going to any more.
From BORSCHT TALK CANADA >> Facebook >> BHO: https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10232021285337354&set=gm.1674459260606816&idorvanity=445147996871288
"How to create your own Ukrainian advent calendar....."
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in an attempt to get the man's attention. Finally the drunk speaks up: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
. A man asks his lawyer: ‘If I give you $400, will you answer 2 questions for me?’
The lawyer says: ‘Sure! What’s the second question?’
A man went to his lawyer and asked: "My neighbor owes me $500 and won't pay up. What should I do?"
The Lawyer asked: "Do you have any proof that he owes you the money?"
The man says, "No."
"Okay, then write him a letter asking for the $5000 he owes you."
Perplexed the guy says: "But it's only $500."
"Precisely, that's what he'll reply, and you have your proof."
quote:
Originally posted by mike gregoryThe WORST thing about being self-employed is that, when you call in sick, you KNOW you're lying!
I always said that eventually I'd call in well.
"I'm feeling really good today. I'm not coming in!"
Wife to husband: "Let's go out, and have some fun tonight."
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
A guy asked a beautiful woman standing next to him: "Nice perfume. Which one is it? I'd like to give some to my wife."
Woman: "Oh, don't do that.... some idiot will use it as an excuse to talk to her."
I run for 15 minutes each day. If I miss a day I add it on to the next day's run.
This has truly been a game-changer for me ... tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 weeks.
This one sounds like it's been around for a while. Nonetheless.....
While in China, an American single man acts promiscuously and does not use protection the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate."
"No way!!" the man exclaims, "absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The man shops around, but all the doctors tell him the same, thing... they must remove the organ. At some point a friend suggests, "You contracted this in China right? Why not go to a CHINESE doctor?"
The man, having not thought of that, seeks out a Chinese doctor in the hopes he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines the problematic area and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my organ!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "American doctor all the same, always want operate, make more money that way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims with obvious relief.
"Yes yes,” says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
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Ma and Pa were lay'en in bed one night when Ma left out a pained sigh.
"Anything wrong, Ma?" asked Pa.
"Wellllllll, I was just think'en what a shame it is 'bout them two lovely daughters of ours lay'en up in that grave-yard tonight."
After a long pause, Pa said: "Yeah, it's a shame all right---------too bad they ain't dead."
My wife called down from upstairs: "Do you ever get a sharp pain in your body, like someone has a voodoo doll and is stabbing it?"
Me: "No!"
.... very short pause....
Her: "What about now??"
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