It's the first day of the parapsychology class.

The professor asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?" All of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?" About 90% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"  About 20% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"  One hand in the back goes up.

"Really!" says the professor. "I've been teaching this class for 15 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'

Time to trot out the Christmas Story:
==================
I had dropped out of school, was temporarily living with Mom & Dad.
Mom got a phone call, and OF COURSE, she told the Top Nun that I would be very happy to volunteer to come over, last Friday before Christmas break, dress up as Santa, and hand out candy to the school kids.
(She didn't ask ME beforehand, but that's my Mom.)
So, no big deal, school's only 2 blocks away, and I've walked there myself, several hundred times.
Wake up that morning, and it's about 4 below zero (-4 degF).
Although -4 degC would still be freezing.
Put on the parka, stroll through the short trip, arrive at the school.
Top Nun has the Santa suit hanging in her office. Grants me privacy while I change out of my clothes, into the red pants, fake boots, red jacket, with a few pillows to make me look fat. (Hey, that long ago, I needed pillows to look fat.)
Fake beard, fur-trimmed hat, string of sleighbells in one hand, big sack of little bags of candy, and READY to RUMMMBLE!

Into the first room: First Graders, and the nun has all the kids lined up, littlest first.
I reach into the sack, hand this blue eyed blondie haired angel a little bag of candy, and she turn to go back to her desk.
But the nun chirps
"Now, now, Mary Margaret! What are the MAGIC WORDS?"
Mary Margaret pauses, turns back toward me, thinks for two seconds and lets out with a short, sharp string of cussing that might make a sailor blush!!

(EXPLETIVES DELETED).
Nun goes bone white, and I am stunned.
But Mary Margaret notices our reactions, and immediately assures us
"Buh-b.. but those are the Magic Words DADDY said, to make the CAR start!"

From I Louvre Art Memes:

Question: What do you call a banjo player with half a brain?
Answer: Gifted.

In regular music, a "relative minor" is the minor key that shares the exact same key signature (notes) as a major key.
But in Bluegrass, a "relative minor" is always the banjo player's wife-----because she is both a relative AND a minor.

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

But Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The Police turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …..”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

I have no dog in the fight and only know enough of the background to know that THIS!  IS!!  FUNNY!!!   https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=1191202489850157&set=a.158909999746083

It's from Babylon Bee ["fake news you can trust"].  The caption is: "These guys will get to the bottom of it."

A useful strategy to improve the depth and quality of your conversations is to ask questions that allow people the opportunity to talk about themselves.                      For example: "What the hell is wrong with you??"

The 3rd grade teacher assigned all the kids to write a poem using the word "pistol" in it.
The next day, the kids all read their poems aloud in front of the class. Everything was going fine until "Dirty Ernie" got his turn.
ERNIE:
"My Mom and Dad, they make home brew.
They drink to one....
and pistol two."

29% of all accidents are caused by speeding.  Thus 71% are caused by driving within the speed limit.

I just knew that statistically it's safer to speed.

You might have read about this in the paper.
Some poor guy's wife beat him to death with his own guitar collection.
When she appeared in court the next day, the judge asked her: "First offender, Mam?"
And she said: "No Your Honor. First a Gibson.......then a Fender."

Can you name the ancient warlord, who conquered city after city, from Asia to Mexico??

TORTILLA the HUN!

instagram.com/reel/DTH0iKOjvh1...qeXkwMg==

Let's all grab our banjos and SING!
=================
If you run in to
A five-foot-two, covered with fur,
Diamond ring, and all those things,
Bet your life, that isn't her!

STOP THE MUSIC!
If you run in to a SEVEN foot two, covered with fur,
That's BIGFOOT! Get a clear picture! Or, if possible, a video!

Three or more geese: A gaggle of geese.
More than two crows: A murder of crows.
More than two banjos in any setting: A war crime of banjos.

In the Bare Naked Ladies song "If I Had A Million Dollars", are they talking Canadian or US dollars?

Because if it was Canadian, wouldn't it be "If I Had .79 Million Dollars"?

I want everybody to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank soon.  If everything goes well, I'll  be out of debt. I'm so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on.

I remember the winter before my grand-dad died, he had us spray his whole back until it was wet with WD-40.
He went downhill fast after that.

Ever since my girl-friend got a job at the local grease factory, she's been hard to get a hold of.

I was six foot one, before I joined HEIGHT WATCHERS!
Now, I'm five foot five.
Very simple program:
A tablespoon of shortening before every meal!

I hope that mentioning this specific nation does not violate the NO POLITICS rule, but, imagine how I felt, when I got this email.

I nean, come on! I make 5-string banjos out of cookie tins, and one-string banjos out of margarine tubs, and this guy wants me to supply him with products!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Sir/Madam,

I hope this message finds you well.

We are currently seeking reliable and trusted partners capable of ensuring consistent product quality, timely delivery, and competitive pricing for our operations. Promtech Export & Import works as an intermediary for various government ministries in Ukraine, facilitating the procurement of essential goods and services.

I am writing to formally express our interest in establishing a business relationship with your company for the supply of a wide range of products and services needed within our nation.

Please confirm if your company is able to work with us on a CIF basis to the Port of Gdansk, Poland, which is the closest convenient entry point for shipments destined for Ukraine.

Kindly note that responses received directly from company CEOs or authorized executives will be given priority review.

Upon your confirmation, I will provide our full procurement procedures and additional documentation.

Thank you for your attention. We look forward to the possibility of successful cooperation.

Warm regards,

Mr. Viktor Shevchenko
Supply Chain Specialist
Promtech Export & Import
Vulytsya Mykhaila Hrushevs'koho, 74
Kyiv, Ukraine, 02000
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's got to be a scam, but if he's serious, it's a joke, so, "Joke of the Day"

I was talk'en to my next-door neighbor. He said he was so worried that he's nearly up to three packs a day. I said, " Man, that's too much. You got to cut back on those nasty cigarettes." And he said, "What cigarettes?! I'm talk'en about adult diapers!"

I'm kinda depressed.
My morbidly obese parrot died last week.
I hated to see him go, but it was really a load off my shoulders.

From a site called Dad Jokes  >> Facebook  >>  BHO:

The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed Prime Minister of Sweden ......  he is currently assembling his cabinet.