Posted by thetexan on Friday, August 29, 2008
How often have you yearned for a new banjo? A expensive, beautiful, real banjo? And how often has the only thing that stands between you and your dream been......her! Her, with her let's be practical, let's think about the cost, why do we need another toy mentality. You know, the same thing that stopped you from getting that new boat! We call that obstacle to progress STF(spousal tolerance factor) better known in the medical industry as HWS (husband weenie syndrome). However, usually, HWS is easily remedied.
Usually, all you have to do is to first mention to your wife that it seems she needs a new washing machine or refridgerator. Sometimes even a microwave is enough. Then once you have bought and installed the new device, (after all, what is a $500 fridge when it can get you a $6000 banjo?) sometime later, you start making comments of frustration to yourself while practicing the banjo. Like..."Dad-gumit", "this is just not working", "Bill doesn't have this problem" and the like. Eventually, when your wife says "what's wrong honey?" You kinda lower your head and say...."oh, nothing". The proper amount of coyness is very important here. Then when she comes up to you and puts her arm around your shoulder and says "no, really, what's wrong", you say "oh, it's just this stupid banjo". Now you have her right where you want her.
At this point in the process, one of several things could happen. Let's analyze these separately in detail, shall we.
"What's the matter with your banjo?" (with or without 'dear', 'honey' or 'snookums') At this point you go into all the reasons your cheap, old, ugly banjo is so hard to practice on and that you seem to be spinning your wheels and getting no where in your practice. At this point one of two things will usually happen...
1. She will reply by saying..."You got that right buster! You are spinning your wheels and getting no where!" and then walk into the utility room and start washing clothes on her new washing machine. ( I hate it when she says buster) or
2. She will say "maybe someday we can get you a better banjo." This is not the best situation but at least she's softening up and is ready for the next step. Sorta like having a fish nibble at your bait. Very similar.
"Forget it!" (with or without 'buster') Implement Plan B or give up for now, she's on to you. Simply reply..."What?"
"Have you noticed how my car is starting to run rough?" (with or without 'sweetie', 'my little picker', or 'handsome') This is the most serious and insidious situation and must be handled with the greatest of care. It is clear she is on to your bribery and is now trying to get more! After all you have done for her and given her down through the years, she wants more! I pause momentarily to remind you what's at stake here. Always remember the new banjo! Keep focused on the new, expensive, pretty banjo. This is a setup for what I refer to as the 'How can we spend any money on new, useless toys when there are so many things around the house that need fixing' defense. Or the HCWSAMONUTWTISMTTNF gambit. Your reply in all cases should be that you haven't noticed anything wrong with anything around the house and what does she mean by the phrase 'useless toys'? Do not, under any circumstances, fall for this feeble, and quite frankly, unbecoming attempt at counter bribery. It wont work. I pause momentarily to remind you that you are the man of the house, the provider, the hunter, the gatherer, the picker... Instead, the correct play is to ask her in a concerned way if she remembers how much available credit is left on the credit cards. This serves two very important functions. One, it diverts her attention from her greedy effort at bribery, making her believe you actually intend on fixing something, and two, you now have the information necessary to begin making costs analysis on the inevitable banjo purchase.
"Ahhh. You need a new banjo, don't you?" (with or without 'poor thing')YESSSS! ! ! ! Do not, under any circumstances reveal your joy or astonishment at how easy this was! Simply sigh and reply, "Do you really think so? There are so many other things we need. That you need!" Quickly, before she says anything else, add "but if you really think so maybe we can".
Then mention the $6000 Stelling you have been dreaming about forever. If she says.....
Go back to practicing. You have a severe case of HWS and cant be helped.
mike gregory Says:
Saturday, August 30, 2008 @7:41:09 AM
As a published author, and as the son of a woman who taught creative writing, I must say you wrote a very nice piece here. Mom most likely would have rated it in the A or A+ level.
Saturday, August 30, 2008 @8:06:55 AM
Thats Life just as we know it!!
Saturday, August 30, 2008 @1:27:16 PM
Loved the the piece. I told my wife it was only a $5000.00 banjo so when I decided to get the one for $1200.00 she was relived. It worked. But Your right that's the way its done.
Monday, January 26, 2009 @3:56:19 PM
Great blog texan! You are indeed a fine writer, and thanks for posting to my thread on "Speed is not important?"
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