Banjo Hangout Logo
Banjo Hangout Logo

Premier Sponsors

Banjo Lovers Online

Flaltulance 101

Posted by djingodjango on Tuesday, June 10, 2014

There is far too much grief in the world today, so I thought we would take a little stroll down the path of silliness and onto the campus of Whatahoot University. WU is a very, very, extremely very liberal arts college which can be visited if you follow your nose, hang a left at Neverland, trip lightly over Oz and walk around the mobius strip until we disappear.

Ah. Here we are. Dear old Whatahoot. My alma mater and a place very dear to my childhood where courses in the classical fields of laughter, historical goofiness and advance pant wetting are held throughout the year, and taught by a very distinguished faculty which include Francois Rabelais (Bawdy Songs 101 and Advanced Bawdy Songs), Mark Twain; whose class-room seats on the Theory of Frog Jumping and Reality of the Non-such are always filled many years in advance.

Of course we need not mention the distinguished department of Mid 20th Century Squirting Milk Out Your Nose Laughter with Professors Stan Freberg, Bob Elliot and Ray Goulding, and , one of my favorites, Bill Cosby. (his opus The Fat Albert Papers remains today as one of the most brilliant studies of silly-sibling-sm in the world). And I'm sure we could add many, many more.

But today I would like to take you to a class now in session here at the Richard Pryor Building. Lets go up the steps......ooops! Careful of the banana peelings left here. Some one from Prat Falls 101 with Prof. Buster Keaton must have dropped their homework.

Here we are. Lets quietly open the door (sound of large a long drawn out squeak followed by an ahoogah horn.) Uh-huh. Professor Trousercough has been informed of the possibility of our dropping in.

(Sound of chair being pulled back and scraping on the floor)

Professor TC: "Good morning all. (sound of small toot) My name is Professor Trousercough (shrill sound of professor writing his name on chalkboard accompanied by a string of little popping sounds) and I welcome you to this, the first day of our studies in the arcane subject of Methane-ology and The Science of Barking Spiders." (louder toot followed by lifting one leg and shaking pants)

TC: "Flatulance has been given a bad rep by the media, as we all know. It is time we set the record straight and one we can do this by continued study and exploration of this little understood kinetic art form."

(Sound of bucksnot coming from the back of the room)

TC: "Yes Mr.Baumb. You have question?"

Mr. Baumb: "Hasn't the rear-passing of gas always been a forbidden action in public?"

TC: "Excellent question, Mr. Baumb. But the fact is that toothless speech was at one time a mark of intelligence and high breeding. And if we go way back to the beginning it was a sign of strength and invincibility. Our ancestors, while living in caves were adapt at the science of flutterblasting. Ripping a good one could immobilize your enemy and distract him with your funk which would give your friends time to sneak up and coldcock him. Need a new cave? No problem. Snorg could empty a cave in less then 30 seconds with a well placed cheese cutter, and voila! New digs. (pause) You may sit down, Mr. Baumb."

Baumb: "I'm afraid I can't Professor. I had a small accident with that last shart. May I go to the mens room?" 

TC: "Certainly." (Turns to class.)  "Which brings up the subject of controlled britches whistling. It is an ancient and time honored art which I will discuss at length later on in this semester." (sound of classroom door closing and Baumbs footsteps clicking rapidly down the hall corridor followed by a series of tiny toots.)

(Sound of distant door opening and closing followed by thre thumping of a smaller second door opening and slamming shut. There is a pause - and then the muffled reverberation of an enormously protracted butt belch echos down the corridors, jarring chalk dust and a piece of chalk which jumps from the blackboard tray and rattles to the floor. Professor Trousercough pauses and without a word, picks up the chalk and continues. There is a general nodding of heads from the students in approval of Mr. Baumbs' masterful escape from what could have become a serious breech of etiquette.)

TC: "Now, turn to page 6 in your book of Barking Spiders. Chapter 1 The Genesis of Gas. Farting is caused by our gastrointestinal flora.and blood which can produce up to 10 litres of gas per day, mostly hydrogen and methane with a little oxygen tossed in. We anally expel about fifteen to seventeen times a day and usually in a safe environment, because, as we all know, crop dusting is very flammable".

"Who could forget when Winkles the Clown in a fit of jealousy and rage stuffed himself along with a dozen of his closest friends into a car the size of a breadbox and with the windows rolled up committed an act of dutch oven hari-kari by sending forth a vapor and lighting a match. It rained oversized shoes and red bulb noses for days."(Pauses with head bowed and hand held over derriere. And in a touching response, the entire class stands as one with heads also soberly inclined.)

(Here we will discreetly leave Professor Trousercough. Stay tuned for part 2 of Flatulance 101)

(C) 2014 George Locke


1 comment on “Flaltulance 101”

0410E Says:
Wednesday, June 11, 2014 @4:01:08 PM

That is the funniest bit of writing I have heard in a long time. A true master class.

You must sign into your myHangout account before you can post comments.

More posts from djingodjango

Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Privacy Consent
Copyright 2024 Banjo Hangout. All Rights Reserved.

Newest Posts

Click for Details 'Banjo Bridge' 5 hrs

More >  

Hangout Network Help

View All Topics  |  View Categories