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My Castle On The Shore

Posted by blamethebanjo on Friday, February 4, 2011

I am so run down and exhausted trying to continually patch the damage to this castle when every time the tide comes in so much of it gets pulled away. I don't know where the fallen walls go when they break down but they leave in their wake a bare and glaring hole. The sun finds these open spaces and I have no choice but to face the truth.

If insanity comes from doing the same thing over and over expecting different results then I am sane. I have no expectations nor do I offer myself hope or condolence. I built this place with complacencey and the tools of folley that never work looking the other way at first until the sheer size of the task loomed like clockwork. Staring me down and watching my energy leave me while it never returned with the power it had just the day before.

Everybody made it clear that this place would never stand in such a place as this but I was the one to prove I could hold up against the overwhelming punishment that rides my back until I am mired down and exhausted. There is no glory in what I do. There isn't even interest shown to the constant strain I am under until I find myself wondering if this is to be my story. The story of mistakes and loss. 

Finding out that the ones you worked so hard to protect, to shelter, never wanted that protection or had concern for the one who held this place together long past the time of Too late.  When I sit down and let the remainder wash away there will be no trace that here once stood a great castle. One that from the outside was something to envy and admire at a glance. The truth will not be denied forever. I am tired have to sit down. I have given it all I had and come up wanting.



6 comments on “My Castle On The Shore”

Voyageur Says:
Sunday, February 6, 2011 @8:17:39 AM

Darrell,
What you wrote is so sad and heartbreaking. You have a lot of courage; maybe you took on too much of a challenge, but you haven't failed. Not if you are still able to be so honest with yourself and others about life. Many difficult and painful things happened in your life in the past couple of years, Darrell. You were very sick. You lost your mother, such a very, very hard and painful thing. It has been over nine years since my mom died, but it never stops hurting. The daily intensity of grief has faded, leaving a soft, pure core of sadness and loss that never changes. And perhaps there have been other losses for you, that you have not been specific about. I'm sorry. You do have friends here. I wish you peace. Mary

blamethebanjo Says:
Sunday, February 6, 2011 @1:06:10 PM

Thank you Mary. There is always a chance that something like this will be seen as a cry for sympathy, but the truth is I hope that it might be seen as proof that we can survive the hardest of times with help. If help isn't asked for most will never know it was needed. Thanks for your help.

inniepie Says:
Tuesday, February 22, 2011 @11:36:13 PM

You can talk to me anytime Darrell, I have had my share of heartbreak....as Mary said above, you have friends here.

blamethebanjo Says:
Wednesday, February 23, 2011 @4:13:17 AM

Thanks innie. You have always been wonderful.

Shorty Says:
Tuesday, April 5, 2011 @2:15:08 PM

Darrell, Life is Hard and full of thoubles, only by the help of God can we fight the war's of life, I lost my Mother when I was a mere boy 0f 12 ,if I live till the 19th of this month I will be 70 and I still miss her so, the only thing that can take the place of a Mother is Her loving Memory !

blamethebanjo Says:
Tuesday, April 5, 2011 @4:40:28 PM

I miss Mom so much too Jim. There are days I still find myself feeling like I need to call her on the phone. After my last surgery I woke up and called for her out loud.

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