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Everything should taste like bacon

Posted by Kevin G on Monday, November 22, 2010

Doesn't this sound as if it should be the title of a banjo song? Instead, it's a company from whom I received a birthday gift pack--courtesy of my brother and his family. The contents of this kit turned out to be (almost) entirely unpredictable: bacon-flavored lip gloss, bacon-flavored microwave popcorn, bacon-flavored sunflower seeds, um, eh, baconaise (bacon-flavored mayonnaise), 8 (at least!) varieties of bacon salt, including jalapeno-flavored bacon salt, peppered bacon salt, barbecue-flavored bacon salt, and more; and finally, bacon-flavored MMM-velopes. Apparently, one of the founders of the company won $5K on America's Funniest Videos and went on to fame and fortune in the artificial bacon-flavoring business.

If you don't believe me, you can check this out at www.baconsalt.com. But I've been trying to figure out what to do with some of the more obscure items in the kit. The lip gloss gave me instant heartburn, but served the entirely useful purpose of teaching my mother the lesson of not forcing a kiss on the lips whenever she greets you. Yowza Wowza! I had to wash it off my lips before our dog attacked. Of course, there's a lot of lip gloss in one of those little tubular applicators, so I've started using it up by rubbing a smear of it on my birthday thank you letters. (No need to scratch... Just sniff!) There's still a lot, though. I even considered rubbing it on the neck of my old auction banjo to test its properties in keeping the neck from warping, but I don't think I'd be able to play it anymore from the intensity of the smell. As lip gloss, it's frighteningly intense, so I'll take any suggestions you have about how to use it up.

As for the rest of the kit:

Baconnaise: pretty good, especially on french fries;

Sunflower seeds: good with beer (then again, what's not?)

Popcorn (ok but made the whole house smell like bacon--but I guess that is the point of the program.)

Bacon salt: I'm using it a little at a time, testing it on various things. Not bad, I guess, but I'd rather have real bacon crumbled on stuff.

If I finally cave in and apply the lip gloss to one of my banjos, you may soon see a bacon-flavored banjo in the classified section of the BHO. I doubt that I'll succumb to the temptation, but you'll know I just got too dang curious if you see it show up here. And if you write a song with that title, let me know.

My best to all you bacon lovers out there.

Kevin



5 comments on “Everything should taste like bacon”

Cottonmouth Says:
Monday, November 22, 2010 @4:26:21 PM

Of course no Muslim banjoist would agree!

joemac Says:
Monday, November 22, 2010 @11:57:05 PM

Hey , Is the banjo a "Bacon all Day".......just askin!!!!

Cottonmouth Says:
Tuesday, November 23, 2010 @5:09:40 AM

Obviously, Kevin; pork fat rules!

yougogrl Says:
Tuesday, November 23, 2010 @6:28:47 PM

I ran a race a year ago where we ran 2 miles, ate a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and then ran back two miles in under an hour... I finished the whole thing but ever since then whenever I smell bacon it reminds me of doughnuts and the other way around too. I haven't been able to eat either since :-( Maybe you can make a bacon outfit like Lady GaGa and her meat dress!!

Kevin G Says:
Wednesday, November 24, 2010 @4:23:43 PM

Ah, bacon. The bacon salt concept is the answer: Apparently, it was designed to be vegetarian, kosher and mostly non-toxic. Their web site features testimonials by people thankful that they can add a little bacon flavor to their Tofurkey sandwiches without guilt. Tofurkey. I can hardly even bring myself to say that on Thanksgiving Eve.

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