Viper - Posted - 09/26/2013:  08:24:02

My son was two weeks old yesterday, and I haven't played a note of music since before he came along. As the proverbial "they" like to say, "Everything changes when you have kids." My son was born premature, so my wife and I spent the first nine days of his life traveling back and forth to the NICU to visit him as he learned to eat and started packing on the ounces. There hasn't been much time for personal time, and what little there has been we've tried to catch up on sleep. As we adjust to the new normal, I'm looking forward to finding time to play my banjo and fiddle again.

I wrote about the challenges of a new parent at my blog, but I wanted to post it here as well to see what advise some of you might have for playing music when there's a baby in the house. I'm not worried about the noise so much as finding time and making sure my wife doesn't get resentful of my hobby. So, what do you say, folks? 

slammer - Posted - 09/26/2013:  08:31:50

Goooooooooooood  Luck!!!   And congrats on the little one and hope he keeps packin on the ounces!!!   Slammer!!!

tobinsuke - Posted - 09/26/2013:  08:42:49

The best advice I got when I first became a dad was to be very involved in feeding/changing diapers/getting up at night.  This advice actually came from another dad who was not able to do this with his first child due to work, but was able to with his second - as they grew up he believed that he was innately closer to the second child even though he actually shared more interests with the first - food for thought.

For playing....  Get a mute, stuff the back, and learn some mellow songs.  I'd wager that a new mom would be much more supportive of your playing if you geared it toward "family time".  Lullaby?  As for finding time to play....  good luck finding time to grab a shower for a little while!  That's just how it is.  

I'm glad to hear that your new joy is thriving.  

thisoldman - Posted - 09/26/2013:  09:57:01

Congrats on the birth of your son and glad to hear things are going well.

One lesson learned is that baby comes first, supporting mom comes second, and dad comes last.  That said, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually,  etc. will be important.  Good news is that taking some "me' time (like playing the banjo) is part of taking care of yourself.  Time management takes on a whole new meaning when you become a parent.  You made some time for your new wife (and away from banjo) awhile back, so it sounds like you are able to set priorities.  I am a morning person, so I got that "me" time by getting up (a half hour in this case) earlier in the morning.  It is true that they grow up too fast.  You have the rest of your life to play banjo, but you only get one chance to experience those first few years. Enjoy!!

Edited by - thisoldman on 09/26/2013 09:58:03

jswkingsfield - Posted - 09/26/2013:  10:32:36

Baby!  (My favorite word.)  Congrats!

They don't stay little for long.  It's all baby, all the time (and longing for sleep) for the first few months.  Be easy on yourselves the first few months, don't expect much else during this special period of life for the 3 of you.  There will be time/energy for fiddle & banjo, later, and don't forget to make time for yourself and your wife.

jojo25 - Posted - 09/26/2013:  11:02:25

lullabies...sing to your kid...the very first time I held our son in my arms...in the delivery room...I sang Shorten Bread to him...even if you can't find time to pick up your fiddle or banjo you can sing to your kid...sing in the car..sing doing dishes...it will help keep your musical chops up to snuff to some degree

banjo bill-e - Posted - 09/26/2013:  13:11:08

Congrats Viper. My only advice is to read Janice's advice over and over! You have a *very* short time to be a new father. Throw yourself into being Daddy and supportive husband. There will be time enough for banjo (and sleep, and making whoopee, etc) before you know it. But this time is precious. Exhausting, but precious.

All Fingers and Thumbs - Posted - 09/26/2013:  13:50:25

Congratulations to you and your family. I know exactly what you've been through.... my eldest son was born prematurely and due to a shortage of hospital places we got sent over 100 miles to the next available special care unit. There was nowhere for me to stay and for 2 weeks I had to make the 200 mile round trip every day - leaving them behind each day was a real choker.

He and my wife were transferred through 3 hospitals in short journeys over a 3 month period as he gradually improved until I eventually had them home with me.

My advice is to be there for them and be as involved as you can physically and emotionally - it's a demanding time and your wife will really appreciate your support.

As has already been said - time passes faster than you could possibly believe and there will be lots of time to play banjo/fiddle in the future but only one shot at being part of this precious early time in your sons life so enjoy it while you can - take plenty of photo's. There will be times when you can sneak out for a practice but you just have to grab what you can as and when.

As he gets a little older you'll have opportunities to build a bedtime song into your routine and before you know it you'll be giving him his first lesson.

Take care 

Steve

Viper - Posted - 09/26/2013:  13:57:01

Thanks for all the comments and good advice. Baby and wife are my top two priorities. Steve, I'm grateful that our hospital was just 10 minutes away. A further drive during those nine days would have made it so much more difficult to deal with. We were lucky. 

R.D. Lunceford - Posted - 09/26/2013:  16:35:49

If you look at banjo playing as a lifelong pursuit you'll realize that there have to

be ups and downs, and periods where you will play less than more.

It won't be full steam ahead all of the time.

The events of the past two weeks have been among the most important, if not the most important

of your life.  No surprise you haven't found the time to play.  Be sensitive to the needs of your wife and

new son (I may get kicked off the BHO for saying) they're more important than the banjo.

I'd guess (or hope) that your wife realizes the importance that music holds for you. 

As such, she won't begrudge you your music.  How will you know when/how much to play?

When *you* can do so without feeling guilty.

Stuff your banjo to mute it and play some relaxed tempo music.  The baby may enjoy it.

If it calms him then your wife may want you to play more than you may be anticipating.

Congratulations.

RWJones1970 - Posted - 09/26/2013:  16:55:20

Congratulations Viper. I have a 2 and a 4 year old and can also testify to the frustrations of not playing much since they came along. I have been very involved in their lives up to this point and don't regret it a bit. Yes there are times I get very frustrated but they are growing up so fast before my very eyes! I have sacrificed every area of my life for them for a couple reasons. I want to be the best possible dad I can be for them and don't want to look back and wish I spent more time with them. It is very hard, sacrificial, nerve wearing, stressful and thankless work but I pray the children will be all the better for it. Everyone has offered you great advice so far and I would like to add something else. Get a wallhanger, screwed into the stud, and put your banjo in it. When you only have a quick minute or two to play, the banjo is there for quick easy access. Plus you will get opportunities to look at, admire, and wipe it down a lot!

GSCarson - Posted - 09/26/2013:  17:06:08

Congrats viper!  Some great advice here.  Priorities change and now is time for your family.  I sold my tools and quit building banjos for about 7 years when my kids were born and even playing for the most part.  There was a time when I thought I was done with building or playing fiddle or banjo.  I got back into it a little and then my son turned 9 and decided he wanted to learn to play the banjo.... I actually tried to talk him into learning the guitar instead. Next thing I knew I was building him a banjo, and playing quite a bit.  He is now 24, plays music (bluegrass banjo) full time, I play whenever I can and my wife has even learned the bass and plays in an old timey band with me which is really great.  No regrets at all for shifting gears back then, it all worked out just fine. Enjoy every day of it cause they sure fly by.   Glenn C.

XXXris - Posted - 09/26/2013:  19:13:18

Best wishes on the new baby. I also had a child in the NICU, for 3 months.

I didn't play banjo for a year after his birth, not a note. It wasn't deliberate, and I'm not saying not to play, but don't worry if you don't find time, as it will come back later. I'm now enjoying playing, and the kid likes having a banjo in the house.

Save up your pennies and treat yourself to a "Mikes Mute." Then wait until everyone is asleep. If you can manage to stay awake yourself, then you can play and not wake anyone. That's how I eventually started back.

Chadbanjo - Posted - 09/27/2013:  05:33:37

Lots of good advice here. Things will smooth out and a solid routine will come along, you'll find a few moments for the banjo. Do you have shed?, good place for a quick retreat to plunk a few tunes.

My little one is asking me now to play her a few tunes before she goes to sleep at night.... doesn't get any better then that. :)

OldPoppy - Posted - 09/27/2013:  11:30:13

I don't recall it being much of a problem when my daughter was a brand-new wee one. As she got a little older, though, it became an issue since she seemed to view the banjo as competition for my attention and affection and would generally kick up some kind of ruckus whenever I started to play. To this day (37 years later) she still seems to not care much for my banjo playing, but at least she is more circumspect in her protests.

On the other hand, she always liked it when I put on some music and held her and rocked her, so there was that to work with. I could still enjoy music while doing my dad duties at the same time. And once she got up on her feet, she liked to dance, provided it was someone other than me playing the music. My role was to either dance with her or watch her dance.

With my granddaughter, it has been an entirely different story. She has always liked my banjo music and has become both my biggest fan and harshest critic. When I finish a piece, she sometimes says, "Play it again, Poppy!" At other times she has said, "I'm glad you stopped. That was hurting my ears."

It's kinda like playing in a band. You don't always get to call the tune and you don't always get to play it just the way you want. You have to be flexible and find a way to make it work for all concerned. The main thing, I think, is to try to pass along your love and appreciation of music to your offspring.

Viper - Posted - 09/27/2013:  12:42:43

quote:

---

Originally posted by R.D. Lunceford

 

If you look at banjo playing as a lifelong pursuit you'll realize that there have to

be ups and downs, and periods where you will play less than more.

It won't be full steam ahead all of the time.

The events of the past two weeks have been among the most important, if not the most important

of your life.  No surprise you haven't found the time to play.  Be sensitive to the needs of your wife and

new son (I may get kicked off the BHO for saying) they're more important than the banjo.

I'd guess (or hope) that your wife realizes the importance that music holds for you. 

As such, she won't begrudge you your music.  How will you know when/how much to play?

When *you* can do so without feeling guilty.

Stuff your banjo to mute it and play some relaxed tempo music.  The baby may enjoy it.

If it calms him then your wife may want you to play more than you may be anticipating.

Congratulations.

---

As always RD, you provide some great advice. Sometimes we have to be reminded to go with our gut feeling. I know it's way to early to expect to have time to go lock myself in the attic to play music. My wife gets first dibs on pampering herself when we finally have some spare time. 

R.D. Lunceford - Posted - 09/27/2013:  15:37:43

quote:

---

Originally posted by Viper

 

 Sometimes we have to be reminded to go with our gut feeling. I know it's way to early to expect to have time to go lock myself in the attic to play music.  

---

There it is Brad.  If it doesn't feel right it won't be right.

I've got 20+ years on you.  Believe me, anything I have that resembles wisdom is nothing more than experience.

Again, Congratulations and Best Wishes.

Edited by - R.D. Lunceford on 09/27/2013 15:38:59

Playin the radio - Posted - 09/27/2013:  18:47:02

Things will continue to evolve in your household as the kid rapidly gains size and strength. There will be a moment that will pop up in a the next couple of months and be a good time to start to play again. The kid will at some point will refuse to go to sleep because they don't want to miss anything. It will be the moment to decide to keep things going until they crash or calm things down until they crash. Our house is alive so our kids would go to sleep to Sousa on some nights or warm baths and stories on others. Your banjo will somehow fit in there just fine and you might even be able to skip muting. Congrats and good luck.