banjoscotty - Posted - 05/03/2018:  07:18:35

a Southern Bell's breath.

But that's not so bad if

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/03/2018:  08:32:12

her udder parts are clean.

My last date

OM45GE - Posted - 05/03/2018:  12:09:53

ended pretty badly.

She took exception to

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/04/2018:  03:36:51

the Golden rule of dating.

So I took her to Burger King and then

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/04/2018:  07:15:36

we both joined the puke-in held at the FDA Bldng.

I've been a fan of fasting

OM45GE - Posted - 05/04/2018:  08:07:46

when other people do it.

For me, it's

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/04/2018:  10:11:57

a matter of getting more hungry.

But it will all come out when

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/04/2018:  12:53:58

I sit on the porcelain throne in my new outhouse.

I put in granite floors

OM45GE - Posted - 05/04/2018:  13:32:06

with radiant heating for those cold winter nights.

I've been eating more fiber in the hopes that

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/04/2018:  14:28:27

he can manufacture some good rope.

Don't go away mad just

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/04/2018:  15:53:54

go away, and take my meddling mother in law with you.



Why I ever uttered "I do"

Edited by - chuckv97 on 05/04/2018 15:54:34

OM45GE - Posted - 05/05/2018:  05:05:25

is an everlasting mystery to me.

From that moment on, I have

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/06/2018:  11:45:09

had nightmares and erection dysfunction.

her mud plaster

OM45GE - Posted - 05/06/2018:  11:46:30

life mask was the second scariest thing I've ever seen.

The scariest was her

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/07/2018:  07:59:31

mother's knob like knees.

not to be confused with

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/07/2018:  08:12:52

her needy relatives who are forever showing up at suppertime.

To them ,work is a 4 letter

OM45GE - Posted - 05/07/2018:  12:55:19

word that causes them to shriek whenever it's uttered.

They've managed to avoid

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/07/2018:  20:10:50

jail time , but not skidrow housing.

The next time I marry

OM45GE - Posted - 05/08/2018:  05:16:06

are five words that are a sure sign of insanity.

After three wives, I’ve finally

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/08/2018:  05:45:08

figured out that no female wants to live with the likes of me.

But I don't care if they

OM45GE - Posted - 05/08/2018:  08:05:05

don't, because the feeling is certainly mutual.

I think that must be why

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/08/2018:  08:25:42

the knothole in the neighbo(u)r's fence is getting bigger.

My wooden heart

OM45GE - Posted - 05/08/2018:  12:05:36

has been eaten by the termites of love.

I know that sounds

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/08/2018:  16:30:23

kinda tacky but it's true.

Don't believe anything you hear and only half

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/08/2018:  20:49:29

of what you read on this august forum.

My racing forum has

OM45GE - Posted - 05/09/2018:  04:24:18

been shut down by the authorities.

Apparently, some of the members were

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/09/2018:  09:16:23

connected to the rackateers from the waterfront.

I resent anything that's fixed

OM45GE - Posted - 05/09/2018:  13:38:11

when it wasn't broken in the first place.

It seems like it's needless and

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/10/2018:  08:06:38

a waste of time.

I could be at the bar

OM45GE - Posted - 05/10/2018:  12:43:23

and the bartender asks if she can fix me a drink.

I don't know if she means I need fixing, she wants to turn me into a drink or

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/10/2018:  18:21:52

or a screwdriver, whatever she means by that.

I drove her home

OM45GE - Posted - 05/11/2018:  04:01:10

and she invited me in for a nightcap.

The next thing I knew, we were

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/11/2018:  08:18:27

wearing assorted caps and headwear from her 30 year collection.



The one adorned with tassels and ribbons

Edited by - chuckv97 on 05/11/2018 08:19:08

OM45GE - Posted - 05/11/2018:  12:17:47

drove me out of my mind when she put it on and coyly looked at me over her shoulder.

It must have been

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/13/2018:  17:53:54

a terrible shock for her when she seen that.

But we never know what will

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/13/2018:  20:27:49

occur once the cat is out of the bag.

My last dog was a mangy cur

OM45GE - Posted - 05/14/2018:  12:37:09

but he was an excellent watch dog because he was full of ticks.

His only problem was

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/14/2018:  12:54:49

crapping in the neighbour's driveway, at least twice a day.

So I decided to appease the old battleaxe next door

OM45GE - Posted - 05/15/2018:  07:29:17

by pressure washing her driveway.

Unfortunately, the pressure washer removed

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/15/2018:  21:24:22

all the gravel in her driveway.

She’s now taking it up with the Community Battleaxe Assoc.

OM45GE - Posted - 05/16/2018:  03:16:59

which has me very uneasy because those ladies are a formidable and scary bunch.

Last month, they

banjoscotty - Posted - 05/16/2018:  04:09:43

cooked up a plan to take out all the mailboxes on our route.

Needless to say,,that didn't

OM45GE - Posted - 05/16/2018:  05:47:26

sit well with the mailman.

He’s got things going on with several

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/16/2018:  05:52:40

lonely housewives - a situation battleaxes find scandalous.

My battleaxe neighbor’s last date

OM45GE - Posted - 05/16/2018:  13:19:07

was so long ago they had to watch TV by candlelight.

When things started to get frisky, they

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/16/2018:  14:42:46

quelled their urges with ice-cold showers - separately ,of course.



I’ve yet to see a battleaxe with

youtu.be/vgrJxPqCIzs

Edited by - chuckv97 on 05/16/2018 14:43:46

OM45GE - Posted - 05/17/2018:  04:08:19

a handle I’d like to put my hands on.

But I keep looking, because

chuckv97 - Posted - 05/19/2018:  13:19:47

going through life without a battleaxe to keep things interesting is a lonely, boring life.

Take my first wife

OM45GE - Posted - 05/19/2018:  18:22:22

- please!

She has been the bane of m existence ever since