...the town hall of New Palestine was burning out of control...the local fire department was not able to put out the fire...somebody in the crowd make the recommendation to call the fire department of the nearby town of Liberty..a very small town...somebody did call...after just a few minutes here they come...hauling @$$ down the hill on their 1940's fire truck..they run right through all the fire trucks trying to put out the fire..plowed through the main gate and within minutes the fire was out...the whole town was so thankful of their effort that they collected some money and presented it to the Liberty fire department..when they gave the money to the fire chief the Major asked "what are you going to do with the money?"...
..."we are going to put brakes on the truck" said the chief"...

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, 
I can't even get into my own pants.  

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting 
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in 
the first place! 

Don't argue with an idiot; 
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.. 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 
'Guess' 
on it. 
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me. 

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the 
end, the faster it goes.

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor  with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. 

After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.

The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, 

"TOUCHDOWN!!"

Akbar was one of the most brilliant thinkers in Medieval Spain.

 There is a story they tell of Akbar, one day, Akbar and a friend were walking down a street and pass a bakery shop.

The friend darts inside, walks back out again, and says, "I just stole three pastries. I put them in my pocket."

Akbar shakes his head, grabs his friends arm, and walks in to the bakery.

Akbar tells the proprietor that he is a great magician and wants to perform a trick for his entertainment.

When the gentleman agrees, Akbar picks up a pastry and eats it. He then picks up a second pastry, and when the proprietor starts to object, Akbar stops him with a motion of his hand. Akbar then picks up a third pastry and begins to eat it.

The proprietor yells, "Hey! What about the magic trick?"

Finishing the pastry, Akbar points to his friend and says, "Look in his pockets."

Why Women Think Men Are Just Happier People......

Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can never be pregnant. 
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
The world is your urinal. 
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 
Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. 
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
One mood all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
You know stuff about tanks. 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend...
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public. 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
Everything on your face stays its original color. 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life. 
One wallet and one color for all seasons. 
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

A Birthday Gift

A guy bought his wife a huge beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to go to find a fake Jeep?"

A lady entered a jeweller's and said "You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
"No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
"Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a one carat size, and I take a five carat size"

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist." "I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..." "Thank you." interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral 
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no 
family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery in 
the North Carolina back country. 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost pretty quick!, 
and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally 
arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and 
the hearse was nowhere in sight. 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. 
I felt bad for being late, so I apologized to the men for being late. 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down to see the vault lid 
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to 
play. 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I 
played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. 
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. 

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept. I 
wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes 
and started walking to my car. Even though my head hung low, my heart 
was full. 

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, 
"I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in 
Septic Tanks for twenty years".

For those of you who are interested in a whole new way of playing Spoons at a jam:

http://www.banjohangout.org/topic/320519

I found it funny, but that might be because I'm still young enough to audition to be IN that quartet. 

Waiters at a small restaurant in a strip mall were dismayed when a brand new corporate chain opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read TGIF FRIDAYS. They were horrified when another corporate chain opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading RUBY TUESDAYS. The waiters at the small restaurant panicked, until they got an idea. They put up the biggest sign of all over their restaurant it read... MAIN ENTRANCE. 

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

From my second oldest sister:


During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns are trapped on the third
floor.
Thinking quickly, they took off their habits, tied them together and used
them as a rope to climb down from the window.
After safely reaching the ground, a reporter asks," Weren't you worried that the habits would have ripped as you were
climbing down? They look old and worn."

"Of course not!" said one of the nuns. "Don't you know how hard it is to break an old habit?"

For anyone who thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember, that's where all the knives are kept

True story.

It was really hot here yesterday. I stopped in to a local watering hole for lunch and a couple beers.  There was about 5 or 6 off-duty firemen having a couple cold ones and some lunch.  They all got up and went outside to the bars not-so-well shaded patio for their smokes.  They came back in a few minutes later and one of them said very loudly "MAN!  Is it ever HOT out there!"

My bar server looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said "Who would have thought firemen would complain about THAT!"

More proof that one simply MUST pay attention to striking the spacebar at the proper moment.

From an old Benny Hill skit

"And now, the latest hit from Roy Orbison's musical bum!"


"No, NO! It's the latest hit from Roy Orbison's music album!"

An angel flew over a park and two statues facing each other longingly. Having pity on the statues, the angel brings them to life. The angel tells them they are now alive but only for thirty minutes. The angel tells them they can do any thing they want. They duck quickly into the bushes. There is rustling of leaves for 15 minutes then they come out. The angel tells them they have 15 minutes left. One statue looks at the other and says 'this time you hold the pigeon and I'll torture it'. 

A friend of mine sent me this, which I hope you will like.     

When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows
or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr  

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.

She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him:“Why did you stand up?”

He answered: “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.” 

Might be pushing a boundary here.....Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. 

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. 

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. 

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" 

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. 

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. 

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey" 

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. 

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." 

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" :eek: