A couple of Thursdays ago, I got a phone call. My sister had emergency surgery and might not make it. I drove six hours to be by her side. She was on life support and we kept her company every minute. I even stayed with her throughout the night on two occasions. The following Monday she coded and died.
I have been extremely depressed as is expected with an unexpected death in the family.
I try to work and practice the banjo 'cause life goes on... But every time I pick it up, all I want to do is cry. I find myself looking at the tabs I'm trying to learn and sit there for awhile and nothing. Sometimes I manage to play a song or two, then that's it.
I expect grief to always be there, I think it's a matter of learning to live with it.
Learning the banjo has helped me cope with life's stresses. It helps me concentrate, gets my mind off of other things, wondering where my fingers should be.
I expect the banjo to be a life time learning journey.
But it leaves me empty now.
I'm not sure if this feeling will ever go away. Grief affects us all in different ways, I'm hoping this too shall pass, but I'm not sure.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. Peace to you and your loved ones.
My condolences to you, your sister and the whole family. Losing a loved one is difficult whether it's sudden or expected.
Grief is so personal a thing that no one can really give you any advice or help, although many will want to.
My story is completely different. When Dave died, it was expected, but still a terrible shock and loss. For me, the banjo was my solace, where I went when grief got too much for me to handle. My music helped me through it.
I sincerely hope you get back to the banjo after your grief has subsided (and it will, time helps and also heals).
Firstly, my deepest condolences to you. Your are so right--we all experience grief differently, and even within the realm of our personal experiences, any two losses may affect us very differently. I have been thrown "out of whack" by deep and shocking loss. Twice now, I made of little tunes on the banjo to express my grief. I played them repeatedly and almost exclusively until the worst had passed, and then I never have played them again. I hope, that in time, the banjo will come back to you, and you will find a voice for it. Hang in there.
" I made of little tunes on the banjo to express my grief. I played them repeatedly and almost exclusively until the worst had passed,"
Maybe this is what I should do?
Thank you, I think I'll try it. although I'm not good enough to make any tunes...
But who knows, maybe If I play around slowly without any goal,
I'm sorry for your loss, Diane.
It won't still your grief, but for what it's worth, there is this courageous statement of endurance from the Black gospel singer Mary Shipp, who lived from birth to death under the hateful oppression of the Jim Crow south:
"If I could sing through, I could get through."
Music can be both a solace and a source of strength.
quote:
Originally posted by Banannajo" I made of little tunes on the banjo to express my grief. I played them repeatedly and almost exclusively until the worst had passed,"
Maybe this is what I should do?
Thank you, I think I'll try it. although I'm not good enough to make any tunes...
But who knows, maybe If I play around slowly without any goal,
Just start picking notes, one at a time. You might be surprised how your emotions channel into them. I didn't start with any melodies in my head. I just picked up my banjo and picked notes, then phrases over and over, and as I did this my sorrow took the form of music.
You have my deepest condolences. The grief process takes time and an unexpected death is probably the hardest to endure, The fact that it’s such a recent occurrence makes it all the more difficult. I believe that in time you will feel more like yourself again. It’s okay if you don’t feel like playing the banjo at this time. When Scruggs’s son Gary died, he didn’t play the banjo for a year. The most important thing for you now is to avoid isolation. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family as much as possible and talk about your feelings. You’ll get back to the banjo when the time is right.
Oops, I meant his son Stevie.
I lost my youngest son 12-6-22 he was 31, my fishing and football buddy. He was a great fisherman. I have found it hard to wet a line since he passed. And I love fishing . I’m not sure why ? He would have wanted me to go every day, but somehow his passing kinda put a backlash in my reel .” So to speak” . I’m slowly getting the hankering to go again. God willing in time you will find solace in it again . Don’t give up, don’t ever give up !
Even for those not dealing with grief, I recommend avoiding tablature and playing with others. Sing if you can.
So sorry for your loss. Don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. At some point, when you are ready, things will start falling slowly back into place for you and life will become more normal. If you think about it, I don't imagine you feel much like doing anything, so why should playing the banjo be any different. Though you will never stop missing your sister, fond memories will outweigh the bad at some point. Give yourself time.
Bobby
My condolences to you.
A few years ago I lost my oldest and dearest friend. To me he was like a combination of Brother, Friend and Father. He also happened to be my mentor and music buddy.
When he suddenly and very unexpectedly passed, I could not bring myself to even open a instrument case for many months. It was like music for me died with him.
Maybe it was a combination of shock, depression and mourning, but eventually the desire to play came back to me. There is not a time now when I pick up a banjo or guitar when in don’t think of our friendship and the many hours and years of music we played.
Now on reflection, I see myself as blessed and grateful to have had such an incredible friend and to have known and been associated with such an incredible and well renown and respected musician.
Time heals all wounds. Your love for your Sister and your memory of her in time will heal the hurt and you will play music in homage and celebration of the life you had together.
My prayers to you both.
My condolences. Lost my wife unexpectedly and suddenly. Playing banjo was a huge part of my life prior. Afterwards it didn’t matter anymore. Had to focus on just getting through the day instead. Trauma will do that. Eventually the fog will lift. You’ll see some light again and your interests will return. I love playing again because it made me realize how fragile life is and not to take anything for granted. Don’t push it. Take care of yourself first. Everything else can wait.
Edited by - banjoez on 09/22/2023 08:48:52
Please accept my condolences also, banjo picker to banjo picker.
Your banjo doesn't "have to" be anything during your grieving process. It is making NO demands on you. You do what you feel like doing.
Believe it or not, and I've been in your position, things WILL get better. No telling how long (or short) that period of time may be for any one individual. But the day will come when you realize and think to yourself "things seem a little better and brighter today!".
Don't worry about your banjo. Take care of yourself the best way you can each day.
You WILL feel better on some future day!
