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How do you conquer self-hatred

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Aug 2, 2022 - 5:28:40 PM
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7320 posts since 2/14/2006

Any thoughts are welcome

Aug 2, 2022 - 5:54:52 PM
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ChunoTheDog

Canada

1710 posts since 8/9/2019

You don't.

You take ownership of yourself and push through it.

You also need to realize everyone is human and no one is infallible.

Aug 2, 2022 - 6:10:12 PM
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ChunoTheDog

Canada

1710 posts since 8/9/2019

Also let me add that one's view of themselves is almost always much more severe than the way others view them.

Aug 2, 2022 - 6:27:30 PM
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7320 posts since 2/14/2006

I hate my mental illness. I guess I don’t hate myself so much, if we’re separating illness from our identity. But it has caused a lot of painful and embarrassing situations. I suppose we’re not our illness; but you live with it like a inseparable part of you.

Aug 2, 2022 - 6:36:41 PM
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STUD

USA

36266 posts since 3/5/2008

We are all...
Nuckin futs...
In some way....

Aug 2, 2022 - 6:37:16 PM
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7320 posts since 2/14/2006

I’ve pushed through for 30 years. I’m tired. Looking into my heart is like looking into a dark, bottomless abyss. It just gets old. It has stolen my youth, my education, my friends, my career, my financial goals, my music, and it seems to be stealing my faith and peace of mind. Daily it torments me and makes me afraid. I’m totally unproductive and my life seems like a waste.

Sorry if this offends anyone, going against the rules for a tidbit, but I do have hope in my faith that He will make all things new someday. So you can see how important clinging to my faith really is. It’s everything to me.

Aug 2, 2022 - 6:48:31 PM
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STUD

USA

36266 posts since 3/5/2008

Doug...
You seem to look at and hold yourself accountable more than most people look at themselves...
May not be a bad thing..

Forgiveness of one's self is important..

As is accountability...

No one i know on Earth is perfect...

If you are human perfection seems to be out of reach...

Might we all be a work in progress.?

Aug 2, 2022 - 6:55:23 PM
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ChunoTheDog

Canada

1710 posts since 8/9/2019

quote:
Originally posted by wanttopick

I hate my mental illness. I guess I don’t hate myself so much, if we’re separating illness from our identity. But it has caused a lot of painful and embarrassing situations. I suppose we’re not our illness; but you live with it like a inseparable part of you.


What they never tell you is how well folks regard you behind your back.

I've been through this (and continuing to do so), and one thing that took many many years to realize is that the way people see me vs how I see myself is 2 totally different people. 

It's completely fine if a storm is brewing on the inside. It's also perfectly legitimate to go to the dark places of one's soul if /when left alone to think.

That doesn't mean you're a bad person tho and no one will judge you for it. 

Some days I put out so much negative energy to myself, that by day's end I'm not sure anymore what I've internalized and kept to myself and what I've let go out into the world externally.

That is exhausting. Still looking for the solution to that one. 

Edited by - ChunoTheDog on 08/02/2022 18:56:20

Aug 3, 2022 - 4:17:57 AM
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phb

Germany

3507 posts since 11/8/2010

Whenever I feel that my brain gets too busy with itself, I find physical exercise helps a lot. Even if it is just extended walks. Seeing nature, clouds, trees, waves on the water is like pushing the reset button on a computer. Mens sana in corpore sano, a healthy mind resides in a healthy body.

Aug 3, 2022 - 4:48:16 AM

76666 posts since 5/9/2007

Conquer self-hatred by not setting yourself up for regrets.

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Aug 3, 2022 - 4:55:35 AM
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Texasbanjo (Moderator)

USA

27744 posts since 8/3/2003

One way I've found to stop depression is to get to the point where you don't care what other people think about you (or what you "think" other people think about you). Try to stay away from people who put you down.

Learn to love yourself and other will follow suit. Sounds easy but it's not. It has to be worked at and worked at continually. Try to keep you faith. God has a plan for everyone and he has one for you. It's a good one.

Aug 3, 2022 - 5:14:40 AM
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152 posts since 1/28/2017

Hey Doug,

Knowing you personally I admire you very much. The skill and talent that you have is plain unbelievable. You have an ability that few people can exhibit. You play so relaxed and make a banjo sound beautiful.

Now me, I still don't take breaks in jams. You have confidence, you just don't realize it. Everyone wants to have Doug in their jams or sings. I feel inadequate around you for good
reason and ENJOY my time with you.

Remember when you were at our campsite last fall in Petersburg. You just stopped by to say hello. You ended up with your banjo playing and soon, Stan, Jimmy, Merle joined you. All they had to do is know you were there playing. My wife said she wish she had a recording of that jam. The best and real close to the best banjo players in our area. There was a lot of BS and just friends having a good time. You stayed from 2 to 2 1/2 hours.

I will agree this is the Doug that we all love. Antoine, was probably right, but a lot of people really enjoy your playing and personality. I wish I had the one word to make all things on the side of your playing make you feel better. JESUS. You have a deep faith. Let it come forward.

Hang in there and keep pickin

Rich

Aug 3, 2022 - 5:48:01 AM
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59474 posts since 12/14/2005

If your faith keeps you going, then remember that there's a page in the Bible with Ten Things which Thou Shalt NOT....
But, on a page far away from those, is a Commandment which involves BANJO PICKING!

Psalm 98, v 4
"MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE...."

So it has been written, so let it be done.


Aug 3, 2022 - 6:17:52 AM
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76666 posts since 5/9/2007

The better you treat others helps you feel better about yourself.

If you hate yourself it is good to figure out why that is.

Edited by - steve davis on 08/03/2022 06:21:31

Aug 3, 2022 - 7:57:39 AM
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65 posts since 3/22/2022

This is an ongoing struggle for me as well, and there’s a few things that have helped me through the years.

I realize not everyone has access to it, but therapy and medication can be a huge help, especially if things may be more complicated than you realize, ie something undiagnosed.

I used to make self deprecating jokes constantly, and a friend told me that making self aggrandizing jokes would be better and it genuinely was more helpful than I realized, all those little instances of putting oneself down can really add up.

And then there’s the old thing of if you love someone or something, let it go. Mourning past relationships and missed opportunities is of course totally ok, but try to take lessons from them too. No matter your age, the smallest of steps forward are important and something to be proud of. You’ve survived through these difficult thoughts for a long time, and that’s something to take pride in. You’re stronger than you realize.

In Dante’s divine comedy, what separates hell from purgatory is hope. Just by posting here, you’re showing that, even if you don’t feel it, there’s some hope within you, and I see that in your faith as well. Try to cultivate that hope, and apply it to yourself. Life can be terrible, but it can also be beautiful, and you’ll get beautiful moments of relief from time to time. But I do seriously recommend professional help if you’re able, as none of us have the training to help as well as someone who can better assess the situation, sadly.

Aug 3, 2022 - 8:04:36 AM
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banjo bill-e

Tuvalu

12448 posts since 2/22/2007

Doug, I am so sorry that you continue to find yourself in a dark hopeless place, and if the docs and meds are not helping and the prayers and Bible isn't helping, I doubt that I have anything to offer, but your words do touch me and I wanted to at least let you know that you are heard. My own means of getting out of a dark hole, which I admit was nowhere near as deep as yours is, but perhaps try:
*Gratitude. Find one thing for which you are deeply grateful and focus on feeling thankful, and not as part of a prayer. For this instance don't think in terms of prayer and try to just experience feeling thankful, for a person, a song, a moment of beauty, whatever moves you.
*Joy. Try to find one thing that brings you a moment of joy. Unwrapping and savoring a favorite piece of candy, hearing a favorite song, etc.
Anything big or trivial which gives you a moment of joy is a treasure not to be overlooked.
*Change focus from inward to outward, which means from yourself to other people. Find someone worse off than you--they are out there!--and find some small way to help them. Look for small ways as you go though your day to make a positive impact on the lives of people around you. They do not even have to know about it, but you can make it a personal goal to accomplish that today.
I think if you have some moments of gratitude, realized joy, and the pleasure of helping others that you might find some bits of light among the storm clouds. I hope so and I wish you the best. I must say again, that there is joy in your playing, I can hear it. It breaks my heart that you are not feeling it, too.

Aug 3, 2022 - 8:45:21 AM
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banjoy

USA

10431 posts since 7/1/2006

I agree with what banjo bill-e just posted. Well stated.

Doug, you go through this cycle over and over again. Over the years you have posted this same expression of despair, seeking counsel, seeking comfort, seeking solace, which you never seem to find. Or that is offered, and you reject. You have received plenty of good counsel and advice from many folks, it seems to me, including from me, who love you and care for your well being. But you seem to not receive what you have asked for when it comes.

Part of the cycle, it seems to me, is major swings from creativity to despair, back and forth, over and over. A treadmill you can't seem to escape. You are a highly creative person and that is a direct connection to your Self. Thomas Wolfe wrote many years ago in one of his books, Life is made up of Hope, Ecstasy, and Despair...

Life is nothing if not a series of individual choices. Part of those choices include who you choose to listen to and believe. Part of those choices are listening to and believing your Self. If the solutions you have tried offer no resolution for you, and they seem not to, then maybe time to make some new choices. You seem married to the meds that others tell you you must be on and you tell yourself that you can never be off those meds. Yet, you never explore any alternative to know for sure if this is a truth you are telling yourself, or not. I know for sure that it is possible to take that on, there are other viable options, and I personally know people who have gotten off those meds after many years. I'm not saying that is best for you, but that it is an option to explore, seriously. But it must be a choice from inside you, to explore. Similarly, there are many avenues to reach God, and perhaps you may see as I have learned, sometimes organized religion can be less than liberating, sometimes, even counter-productive. This is not blasphemy. If you believe in God, then you must also understand that God is everything, even that which you fear the most, or in things you haven't yet thought of. Or that boat right in front of you during a flood ... you know, that old joke.

I'm going to stop here because I have never ever felt that you are open or receptive to my words, yet I do commiserate with your distress, as someone who deals with depression and self-loathing in my life too, you are not alone, unless you choose to be. You are not alone, nor are you unique. But it sure as heck can feel that way, especially when we tell ourselves that is so. Others have been here before, and others will follow. There are ways to break the cycle, but only you can find out for yourself what those ways are. But it won't be the same old same old ... you've tried all that already.

Many Blessings to you in your ongoing quest. In the meantime, keep picking banjo and recording your music, you remain one of my favorite pickers on BHO, the level of emotion and feeling in your music comes through loud and clear, says far more to me than all this other stuff. Just keep doing that, at least you bring joy to others when you do that.

Aug 3, 2022 - 4:47:17 PM
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donc

Canada

7017 posts since 2/9/2010

One blessing of old age is that I think a lot less of what others may think of me. I was unknown when I came into this world and I will be soon forgotten when I leave. That affirmation brings me peace knowing that everything here is a temporary issue. Enjoy the moments. At age 75 I realize that I have now reached the future. From now on only the immediate moment any real value.

Aug 3, 2022 - 5:39:27 PM
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7320 posts since 2/14/2006

Thanks for all the thoughts. I suffer from having delusions that you can disprove by evidence and factual information, but with this disorder most people who have it can't be persuaded the facts are true. It's an awful disorder to have. My doctor is weaning me off one med and starting a new one, hopefully I will do better with it.

Aug 4, 2022 - 12:32:11 AM

Tommy5

USA

4102 posts since 2/22/2009

I find thinking good thoughts pushes away the bad thoughts. If you fight the bad thoughts they only get stronger.Sometimes it helps to be thick as a brick. Live in the moment. Make a list of good stuff that happened to you and memorize it. Even Hitler was good to his dogs, I’m sure you can find something positive to ruminate over. Hopefully you are seeking help from professionals, not just banjo buddies. Exercise always helps me, helping others can wonders for your self image. Save three lives ,give blood. Play your Banjo at a retirement home if they let you or even in a neighborhood park, people will be amazed and thankful l.

Aug 4, 2022 - 4:14:53 AM
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banjoy

USA

10431 posts since 7/1/2006

Doug, about a year and a half ago you were in serious crisis mode it seemed and posted here. At that time, my feeling was if you could get out of the house, you know, do some banjo stuff, that it might do a world of good for you.

At that time Banjothon 2022 was coming up, so I got to work behind the scenes to see if there was a way the community might help you out, and I was able to secure the commitment of one BHO member who agreed to pay for your hotel room in Knoxville, TN at Banjothon. At that time, my thinking was I could drive to pick you up, bring you to Banjothon and share the room with you, then drive you back home when it all was done.

It all became moot when Banjothon 2022 was cancelled due to the pandemic. Well, Banjothon 2023 is on now, so my feeling remains the same, and I believe that the person who offered to pay your hotel costs might just re-up that offer. But, unfortunately, the 3,500 miles of driving that it would take me to pick you up, take you to Knoxville, and return you home, then add my own travel, is just too costly for me to make this happen.

If I can find someone to help pay for the gas, I don't mind coming to pick you up, it's not the drive, but the cost.

So, let me just throw it out there, my feeling is it would do you a world of good to be a part of Banjothon 2023 coming up soon, to actually be present amongst folks who would love to meet you. You make a deeper positive impact on people than you may realize.

I can see if the offer to cover your hotel costs is still on the table, so if you can find your way to Knoxville, would you like to share that room in Knoxville? Give it some thought, there's plenty of time between now and January 2023 to decide.

Just an idea. Sharing a little Banjo Love...

Edited by - banjoy on 08/04/2022 04:16:50

Aug 4, 2022 - 6:28:06 AM

Buddur

USA

3342 posts since 10/23/2004

Sing to yourself "Keep On The Sunny Side"....

...and smile at everything you look at. Good luck.

Aug 4, 2022 - 7:11:02 AM
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bill53

USA

440 posts since 3/26/2004

about a year ago i bought a bible i found one thing i didnt know you have no idea how much God loves you Ive been praying thru some health problems and he helped me I dont feel so alone anymore i have a wonderful wife Like i said i didnt know how much God loves you , hope you get better

God bless

Aug 4, 2022 - 12:57:24 PM

chuckv97

Canada

66189 posts since 10/5/2013

Doug, I know you have these mental health challenges and they’re not easy to deal with. I have a brother who has had clinical depression for over 40 years,, myself , I’ve had to battle addictions to alcohol and opiates. I sincerely hope the new meds help,, maybe there is a peer self-help group nearby dealing with your illness?
Be well, we’re praying for you, banjo brother

Aug 4, 2022 - 1:05:33 PM
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maxmax

Sweden

1585 posts since 8/1/2005

I’m not a psychiatrist or a doctor, but I’ve been married to a woman who suffers from what it sounds like quite similar things you are.

She’s tried medication and therapists that didn’t help much, but from lots of trial and error, she finally found both that has helped her out tremendously.

Unfortunately, neither seems to be a one size fits all kind of deal. But after several attempts she found a doctor willing and knowledgeable enough to really try to figure out what medications work for her, which need’s altering a bit every now and then, as well as a therapist that could finally get through to her.

The whole thing has not only took a toll on her well-being, but very much on me and our children as well. It’s an awful thing and you have my full sympathy, but I do believe there are things that can help quite a bit.

I wish you well and advice you to not give up hope on doctors even if things don’t get better at first. heart
 

Aug 4, 2022 - 2:07:44 PM
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76666 posts since 5/9/2007

I once read that one of the worst things in solitary confinement is the rehashing of one's failures and regrets,overshadowing anything positive.

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