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Jan 14, 2021 - 5:47:56 PM
6411 posts since 9/5/2006

looks like my wifes mom may have to stay with us for a while,,she has pneumonia and tested positive for covid. she is still in the hospital and recieving treatment for the pneumonia and the virus,,, they are starting on her rehab this week and will need some care when she gets out... she is 84 and been independent for the last 8 years.
but will need some one to look after her for awhile ,,,the most sennsible move is to move her in with us and let me look after her during the day while my wife works ,,,,,
i am already making plans for the modifications to the house for her......


any tips ?????

Jan 14, 2021 - 6:39:16 PM

1089 posts since 12/2/2013
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Terry, I've been there recently; you're facing a major decision but I need some time to structure a good reply. Tom'w by noon. Dave

Jan 15, 2021 - 12:05:33 AM

QldPicker

Australia

228 posts since 4/17/2020

quote:
Originally posted by 1935tb-11

looks like my wifes mom may have to stay with us for a while,,she has pneumonia and tested positive for covid. she is still in the hospital and recieving treatment for the pneumonia and the virus,,, they are starting on her rehab this week and will need some care when she gets out... she is 84 and been independent for the last 8 years.
but will need some one to look after her for awhile ,,,the most sennsible move is to move her in with us and let me look after her during the day while my wife works ,,,,,
i am already making plans for the modifications to the house for her......


any tips ?????


You ARE 'good' people!

I hope it all goes well, as such a generous effort deserves no less!

Jan 15, 2021 - 2:45:57 AM
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2877 posts since 4/22/2018

Don't be shy of asking for help Terry, you are doing a very good thing and you deserve any help that is available to you. I don't know the system in the US but in the UK you can buy materials for making alterations for this type of situation VAT (sales tax?) free, the hospital occupational health visitors can visit and provide advice and also some equipment to make her/your life easier. We have some very good carers charities that can put people in touch with the relevant information or services they need. Take some time and see if similar services are available in your neck of the woods.

At first I felt bad asking for help, when I was in a similar(ish) situation, but anything that can either take the strain off either financially or practically takes at least some of the pressure off you, and enables you to focus on what is already huge responsibility for any family to take on.

Jan 15, 2021 - 2:59:22 AM

574 posts since 9/6/2019

I wish you the best Terry. My mom, who is 91, just had a stroke right before Christmas so we are doing the same thing, but there are 5 of us to share the load. I agree with Jonty. If you need help, ask for it. We're finding out that even with a bunch of people it is a very daunting task because my mom needs two people 24/7. Not sure of your MIL's mobility status and what she can and can't do for herself so I can't really offer any lessons learned there.

Jan 15, 2021 - 4:14:46 AM
Players Union Member

rinemb

USA

13033 posts since 5/24/2005

You are doing a good thing. My mother, 94, with very advanced dementia, had a heart attack at home, on a bad heart before Christmas. After a week or so in hospital Our only option was to transfer her to care home memory unit, and has been placed under hospice care supervision. Within a week the home went on full no visitor lockdown, due to covid. We face a possibility of never seeing her, alive, again. Brad

Jan 15, 2021 - 4:44:58 AM

Texasbanjo (Moderator)

USA

25475 posts since 8/3/2003

Being a caregiver is a tough job. Sick people tend to be difficult at times. It's not their fault, it's because they are sick. Be patient, be understanding, do whatever you can to make her life easier.

Find out what her favorite food(s) and drink(s) are and tempt her with those items. Be sure her medications are given on time and in the right dosage. If she's supposed to exercise, help her with that and be sure she does it when she's supposed to.

There may be times when you have to do personal things for her that normally a man wouldn't have to do. Just take care of the situation in as normal a manner as possible and try not to let it embarrass you or her.

I took care of my mother for 4 years and it wasn't easy, but for me, it was a labor of love. Hopefully, you and your MIL are friends and that'll help.

Whatever you do, however you handle the problem, good luck.

Jan 15, 2021 - 5:49:41 AM
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DC5

USA

16782 posts since 6/30/2015
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What everyone else said. It is a challenge to care for anyone, but becomes a bigger challenge when it is an ailing, older loved one. Remember that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of her. Caring for my mother in her last year was a huge undertaking, and I had 3 siblings and a wonderful niece sharing the load. Remember, she has always been independent, and will want to continue to be so. It is important that you understand that.

Jan 15, 2021 - 8:30:53 AM
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1089 posts since 12/2/2013
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I understand your wish to help your wife’s Mom at this moment. I was the primary/only available caregiver for both my parents in their home and then later in nursing home for 10-12 years. A daunting/challenging, and sometimes, impossible task, but one of love nonetheless. Dad died in 2012, Mom in 2015; I have three brothers, but none was available/willing or had families of their own or in the neighborhood. I was the logical choice. No regrets.
The cost of converting their residence to the equivalent safe/professional environment locally available (including 24/7 nursing care) was approximately twice the cost of monthly nursing home care ($10K/month); Medicare covered 10 weeks of this after her broken hip, then it fell to us. Dad had been very thrifty in planning so Mom had about $200K in cash available for the costs. We supported her at the nursing home for 15 months when we became concerned about the draw down of the savings account, then agreed to sell the property on Cape Cod. Mom passed away late July 2015 shortly after we placed the home on the market. I moved to a small apartment in Chatham where I still live.
Time Line: caring for M&D was absolutely priority one; starting at 2010 I was still fully employed as a newspaper reporter; Dad died in 2012; newspaper was sold and I was terminated/retired in 2013; Mom died in 2015. I hadn’t planned my role to become what it did but I accepted the responsibility. You need to do the same; your wife’s Mom may get better, maybe worse. Consider the possibility that the responsibility may principally fall to you; your larger family unit may not be as available in the future as now.
Terry, you’re such a good person to step forward; I don’t regret a moment of the time and effort I gave to M&D. I know you won’t either. Please take care. Love, Dave

Jan 15, 2021 - 9:09:34 AM
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heavy5

USA

1522 posts since 11/3/2016

As Sherry mentions , caring for a person is not easy & you have to be patient .
We did this for my grandfather for quite a while & my wife being an RN helped beyond words .
Grand dad was a hard working self sufficient carpenter & not being able to fulfill that need bothered him a lot plus physical & mental shortcomings .
I often think of the song "Who Will Watch The Home Place" as it fit him perfectly . So now we are watching the home place & all of his tools as he deeded it to us long before he became sick totally unknown to us . The rest of the family was not happy about that but so be it .

Jan 15, 2021 - 9:34:15 AM
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Bart Veerman

Canada

4849 posts since 1/5/2005

Besides adapting the house, you and your wife need to mentally prepare for how to deal with the new stresses and interactions with each other to prevent/mitigate potential mental blowups.

It's won't be an easy but your heart's definitely in the right place and that's a huge help. Like others mentioned, line up people and places you can lean on if/when needed.

Thanks for being a good guy!

Jan 15, 2021 - 10:59:35 AM

Owen

Canada

7753 posts since 6/5/2011
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....dunno whether this tidbit should be offered to you, or your MIL, Terry:  Remember to let the other person win at cribbage/whist/???  once in a  while.    wink

This is off onto a tangent.... about an assisted living facility that 6 or so years ago was a first in N. America. https://globalnews.ca/news/1825394/new-concept-care-home-opens-in-rosetown-sask/  I've been unable to find reports/updates on any pitfalls or how things have worked out...  I'll assume no news is good news.

Jan 15, 2021 - 11:46:15 AM

heavy5

USA

1522 posts since 11/3/2016

Thankyou Bart & Owen for your comments . My grandfather passed quite a few years ago & wife & I so far are doing fine . Being out cast from some family members not included in his will has worked out just fine , kind of self healing for all .

Jan 15, 2021 - 12:35:33 PM

49 posts since 11/16/2006

Been there, done that. And I do believe it is a good thing that you are doing. May I suggest making sure that you figure out how you and your wife are going to get regular breaks from your new routine. On the plus side, there may be tax breaks you can take advantage of. On the negative side, caregiver burnout is a real danger.

Jan 15, 2021 - 5:59:38 PM
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6411 posts since 9/5/2006

thanks for the tips and encouragement.... my biggest obstacle at the fore front logistically is the stairs..we have a split level.. so its a 6 step convergence from sleeping level to living level.. i have installed a second handrail ,, she will get 2 weeks phys therapy before we bring her home. i have arranged her room to make like a small apartment room for her with TV and porta potty and small fridge,,her room is directly across the hall form the main bathroom which is handy also. the porta potty can be brought downstairs for easier access to use and we have a private area to put it. i am hoping to keep her engaged as much as i can in day to day things ,,,like bill pay,,meal prep and we will play cards,, scrabble,, checkers,, etc. i can also be useful in getting her to appointments as needed. she is a very independent woman and doesn't like to "be a bother". our goal is to get her back to independence in a few months. my stepson will look after her place as he lives on the property now. it may do me as much good as it does her...since retirement and coming to grips with own health conditions,,, i really haven't found my niche yet.. oh and did i mention ,,she loves to hear me pick the banjo ,,, so i got that going for me.

Jan 15, 2021 - 6:59:59 PM
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2877 posts since 4/22/2018

Sound like you may need to buy her banjo Terry! I reckon it looks like you’ve got most of the practicalities covered - I wish you and your family all of the very best luck.

Jan 16, 2021 - 12:10:01 AM

Paul R

Canada

13864 posts since 1/28/2010

Best wishes for this "adventure", Terry! You've planned quite well. My only caution is: She likes to hear you play the banjo, but she hasn't lived with you playing the banjo - hope she likes it in larger doses!

My "outlaws" both ended up in different care homes. Everyone was, by then, living some distance away from Toronto, so couldn't do home care. The MIL, who had gone blind, had a fall at home, broke her wrist, went to the hospital, and never walked again. We pulled her out of the first home when it looked like she wasn't being cared for very well. The FIL stuck it out at home as long as he could, wasn't in the home long when he died at 95.

A couple of take-aways: One, their situation changes. Complications pile up. We never imagined that she wouldn't walk with just a broken wrist, but the blindness added to the problem. Also, when she went into the second home, it was brand new with a good staff. But staff changes happen and the atmosphere may become a little different from what it originally was.

Then again, everyone's experience is different. A friend's mother is still living in her condo at almost 100.

I hope all works out well.

Jan 16, 2021 - 4:00:15 AM

O.D.

USA

3580 posts since 10/29/2003

I was in the same situation last April with my father
And 2 other times with other family members
My dad stayed with us a few days and ended up back in the hospital with Covid and never came back home.
After my experiences I've come to view these situations as the beginning of the end

I hope that is not the case for you guys
Just give her as much love and care as you can

Good luck
Everett

Jan 16, 2021 - 5:00:17 AM

49 posts since 11/16/2006

It is a sad truth that NONE of us get better with age.

Jan 16, 2021 - 7:49:52 AM

6411 posts since 9/5/2006

yeah my step son looked at me and ask,,can you take care of her and you ?
i laughed and said well since me and her are the 2 oldest and wisest in the family,, i think we can figure it out.
i have been looking for a job that i could do the last few months..looks like the good lord brought it to my front door,,, so i am going to make the best of it.

Jan 16, 2021 - 10:14:02 AM
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2877 posts since 4/22/2018

quote:
Originally posted by 1935tb-11

yeah my step son looked at me and ask,,can you take care of her and you ?
i laughed and said well since me and her are the 2 oldest and wisest in the family,, i think we can figure it out.
i have been looking for a job that i could do the last few months..looks like the good lord brought it to my front door,,, so i am going to make the best of it.


My dad is a man of few words.  I've learned a lot from him over the years, but most of it by doing stuff with him rather than him passing on verbal advice.  One of the few bits of advice he gave me was that 'a real man looks after his family first and foremost'.   From what you've just said there Terry, I reckon that captures you to a T.

Jan 19, 2021 - 11:26:52 AM

6411 posts since 9/5/2006

well i tested positive last wens. her mom is home with us now and doing pretty good,, i just gotta keep my distance for 10 days... been feeling a little tired and achey,,coughing has increased,,not much fever,, some dizziness but not bad,, just feel like crap.. so the wife now has 2 to care for,, which means she is out of work another 2 weeks.... not good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

Edited by - 1935tb-11 on 01/19/2021 11:27:27

Jan 19, 2021 - 11:41:55 AM
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11470 posts since 1/15/2005

Wow Terry ..... seems like it all hits at once. Take care of yourself and hopefully things will get better shortly. Hang in there.

Jan 19, 2021 - 12:10:33 PM
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6411 posts since 9/5/2006

quote:
Originally posted by BanjoLink

Wow Terry ..... seems like it all hits at once. Take care of yourself and hopefully things will get better shortly. Hang in there.


thanks man,,, i am camping out here in the basement man cave for now,,, just go up for coffee and potty breaks,,,,  i am glad i invested in a good computer chair last year,,, sleeps good too...  as long as i got my tv and coffee and my BHO friends i am good.

Jan 19, 2021 - 1:04:09 PM
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heavy5

USA

1522 posts since 11/3/2016

Good health to you Terry

Jan 19, 2021 - 2:13:37 PM
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6411 posts since 9/5/2006

quote:
Originally posted by Wet Spaniel
quote:
Originally posted by 1935tb-11

yeah my step son looked at me and ask,,can you take care of her and you ?
i laughed and said well since me and her are the 2 oldest and wisest in the family,, i think we can figure it out.
i have been looking for a job that i could do the last few months..looks like the good lord brought it to my front door,,, so i am going to make the best of it.


My dad is a man of few words.  I've learned a lot from him over the years, but most of it by doing stuff with him rather than him passing on verbal advice.  One of the few bits of advice he gave me was that 'a real man looks after his family first and foremost'.   From what you've just said there Terry, I reckon that captures you to a T.


thanks jonty,,, my dad and great grand dad was those of few words too. but just being around them showed me alot.  my mom and dad are gone now,,my step mom has 2 children that look after her.. i really am not included in much of that.  so if i am able and mother in law is ok with it.. i will do the best i can with her when i am safe,,,till them i am staying at distance and wearing my mask when i go up stairs.

Edited by - 1935tb-11 on 01/19/2021 14:14:24

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