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Please note this is an archived topic, so it is locked and unable to be replied to. You may, however, start a new topic and refer to this topic with a link: http://www.banjohangout.org/archive/307771
banjonz - Posted - 08/15/2015: 23:42:21
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck”.
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint.
“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer”.
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read It. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the paper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call”.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money”.
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” asks the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” The duck asks again. “With the big tent?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” asks the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”
Tschaggatta - Posted - 08/16/2015: 04:24:35
That is definitely the best duck joke I have ever heard!
Best Dog Joke Ever:
A dog walks in the a telegraph office, sidles up the counter, springing up on his hind legs with his paws resting on the counter. "I'd like to send a telegram."
"OK. It costs 50 cents for every ten words," responds the clerk.
"Fine."
The clerk slides the form across the counter for the dog to fill in. The dog glances at the form, then to his paws resting on the counter, and back to the clerk.
Recognizing the lack of opposable thumbs, the clerk asks, "Would like to dictate it to me?"
"Yes, thank you."
The clerk takes the the form grabs a pen from the well. "OK. Go ahead."
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof," dictates the dog.
The clerk carefully transcribes the message. When finished, he reviews the text and counts the words.
"You know, that's only 8 words. For the same price, you can add two more 'woofs'."
The dog looks back at the clerk with a questioning glance and explains, "Well, then it would make any sense!"
mike gregory - Posted - 08/16/2015: 06:47:24
Not he best, but one which should be respected for its AGE!
Duck walks into a pharmacy, asks for a tube of ChapStick.
Pharmacist says
"That'll be a dollar ninety-five."
Duck says
"Just put it on my bill."
Devon Girl - Posted - 08/16/2015: 07:01:05
DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10 !!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden."
swamplunker - Posted - 08/16/2015: 07:38:15
A cowboy rides up to a bar in a small town in the old west, ties up his horse, and goes inside. A little dachshund in front of the bar walks in a circle around the horses' front legs, which makes the horse snort and buck. "Don't worry", says the dog, "I'm not going to get under your feet". "Well I"ll be damned", says the horse, "a talking dog"............
TNCowboy - Posted - 08/16/2015: 08:38:37
Kind of a dumb one someone "gave" to me years ago ( you have to read it) about a conversation between two hunters.
MR Ducks... MR Knot...MR Too...LIB...MR Ducks
Michael
trapdoor2 - Posted - 08/16/2015: 12:27:32
A man in a movie theater notices a duck sitting next to him.
"Are you a duck?" asks the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The duck replies, "Well, I liked the book."
Omeboy - Posted - 08/16/2015: 13:22:48
brewerpaul - Posted - 08/16/2015: 13:58:13
The immortal Buddy Hackett's duck joke
youtube.com/watch?v=zdzRA2uJ5Zw
I tried, with no luck, to find a video clip of the famous Why A Duck Marx Brothers routine.
RV6 - Posted - 08/16/2015: 16:04:20
Years ago, a friend of mine pulled this on us while we were waiting in line to get into a restaurant in Omaha.
"Do you know how to sell a duck to a deaf guy?"
NO.
In a very loud shout---"Hey, buddy, do you want to buy a duck?"
We still got seated. My ears are still ringing.
Iron Paw - Posted - 08/16/2015: 19:47:58
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.
"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"
The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
Edited by - Iron Paw on 08/16/2015 19:48:52
Tschaggatta - Posted - 08/17/2015: 08:28:00
For those of you think that ducks are funny:
They're a menace to society:
Tschaggatta - Posted - 08/17/2015: 08:30:40
Duck hunting season comes as a great relief to some: Anatidaephobia
Crusty - Posted - 08/22/2015: 20:26:18
A woman is sitting on a bar stool with a duck on a leash next to her. A drunk walks up and says "Where'd ya get the pig?" The woman replies " That's not a pig, it's a duck". The drunk says "I was talkin' to the duck".
Jim Yates - Posted - 08/22/2015: 21:06:20
I believe I only know one duck joke:
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he's enjoying his beer, a little man about a foot tall walks down the bar and starts playing Stardust on a toy piano. The guy says to the tarbender,"Hey that guy's great! Where did you find him?"
The bartender says," It's a long story. Once when I was going through the stock in the basement, I came across this old dusty bottle. When I wiped the dust off of it a genie came out and said that he'd grant me one wish."
"Cool," says the patron," can I give it a shot?"
The barkeep says,"Okay, but think about it long and hard and don't be too hasty and speak very clearly."
"I don't have to think,"says the patron as he rubs the bottle and says,"Gimme a million bucks."
Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks; ducks on the floor, ducks on the tables, ducks on the bar, ducks pouring out the front door and down the street...
"What th...,"says the patron,"That's not what I asked for."
"I told you not to be too hasty and speak clearly,"says the barkeep,"You surely don't think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Jim Yates - Posted - 08/27/2015: 05:03:03
quote:
Originally posted by steve davis
MR ducks.
MR not.
OSARCM wings?
LIBMR ducks.
My grandma used to say:
A B, C D puppies.
L . . . M N O puppies.
S M R. C M P N.
mike gregory - Posted - 08/27/2015: 07:30:01
One way to do it, is to wish for a twelve-inch pianist, and the other is to wish for a twenty-foot piano!
