Hawgfiddle65 - Posted - 08/12/2015:  07:52:52

Hi Guys and gals

I've noted a few poster end their post with one liners .Do you have any particular faves. He's some for starters

Just sold my vacuum cleaner.....well it was just gathering dust!

Theres so much sex on television these days..... makes me want to shake my fist! (Sorry for that one!)

Jim

Devon Girl - Posted - 08/12/2015:  08:14:23

Mike Gregory writes like that all the time.  He's a walking, talking, banjo-playing one-liner machine.

Edthebanjo - Posted - 08/12/2015:  08:27:09

Just came back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Won't be doing that again...
My friend's butler lost his left arm. Serves him right.

pandjlocke - Posted - 08/12/2015:  09:02:06

The master:

Jbo1 - Posted - 08/12/2015:  10:58:01

"Here's a partial score: New York Yankees Four....."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know." Groucho Marx

"Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I didn't even have the decency to thank her." W.C. Fields

Jbo1 - Posted - 08/12/2015:  11:01:36

Rodney Dangerfield:

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

Crusty - Posted - 08/12/2015:  11:03:01

"I like your schnauzer and that's a cute little dog too".

Edthebanjo - Posted - 08/12/2015:  11:06:41

Not a one liner, but a funny joke nonetheless:
went to the doctor and said "my wife thinks I love sausages too much", he said "that's ridiculous, I love sausages too". I said "Great! Do you want to see my collection?!"

drew-gurbach - Posted - 08/12/2015:  11:15:44

I know a guy in Fort Worth Texas with a hundred thousand head of cattle...no bodies, just the heads! 

Jbo1 - Posted - 08/12/2015:  11:46:34

Young Frankenstein

"I-gor, help me with the bags."

"Certainly, I'll take the blonde, you take the brunette."

trapdoor2 - Posted - 08/12/2015:  12:33:56

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Given adequate thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Oh, the coat and the pants do all of the work but the vest gets all the graaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvyy.

mike gregory - Posted - 08/12/2015:  15:15:42

You can lead a horticulture, But you can't make her think!

RonR - Posted - 08/12/2015:  15:45:21

God must love stupid people cause he made so many of them.

steve davis - Posted - 08/12/2015:  16:00:07

Concerning complaining about working in the rain from Gramp:
"You ain't made oughta sugarah ya?"

donc - Posted - 08/12/2015:  21:16:40

Some people are like a Slinky toy. The people they encounter have this uncontrolled urge to push them down the stairs.

Paul R - Posted - 08/12/2015:  22:38:24

I dated a Buddhist because, hey, you only live once.

I'm naming my next dog Five Miles, so I can say, "I walked Five Miles today!"

My wife says she's aging like fine wine, so I locked her in the cellar.

"Very funny, Scotty! Now, beam down my clothes!"

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour? It was a case of reptile dysfunction.

This place is like an Irish Stew: If you don't stir it up, the scum rises to the top.

janolov - Posted - 08/13/2015:  00:16:04

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day. 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Born free, taxed to death.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

Tom Smith - Posted - 08/13/2015:  02:46:15

Here are some Mitch Hedberg one-liners...

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one so I got a cake.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

figmo59 - Posted - 08/13/2015:  05:39:59

if you tried ah little harder.

you might work yer way up ta bein. .
pathetic. . .

mike gregory - Posted - 08/13/2015:  05:50:40

A few of mine, which, as far as I know, are originals:

"I seldom win a fight, but I've never lost an assassination"

"If you REALLY want a serious fight, meet me at midnight, behind the lumberyard and bring your knife...... and if I'm not there, start without me."

"Last time I was able to outfight a person half my age, I was ten and she was five!"

Hotrodtruck - Posted - 08/13/2015:  09:44:50

"A guy asks me: How do you get six elephants in a Volkswagen?"

"I says: Three in the front and three in the back!"

"Well, he says, how do you get a Hippo in a Volkswagen?"

"I says: Kick an elephant out!"

Author unknown....

steve davis - Posted - 08/13/2015:  10:01:19

"_____________________________________________________________"

pandjlocke - Posted - 08/13/2015:  10:46:07

J e f f - Posted - 08/13/2015:  19:33:02

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Tom Smith - Posted - 08/14/2015:  03:12:34

Here's a couple I made up (or stole subliminally) 

"Of all my personal attributes, I think it’s my humility that I’m most proud of."

"Do practitioners of Tai chi enjoy chai tea?"

Here's another I know I didn't make up, but I don't know who did:

"Banjo players spend half their time tuning, and the other half playing out of tune."

And a recent one by one of my new favorite comedians, Myq Kaplan:

"I grew up just a stone's throw away from a house with a lot of broken windows."

bluegrassboy - Posted - 08/14/2015:  07:46:47

you can tell an idiot, but not much
fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
the voices in my head dont like you
the cheese slipped off his cracker

this one is from my dads aunt when her and his uncle had a disagreement
just went through a case of sprouts with boy child preston

birdman - Posted - 08/14/2015:  08:17:16

I've told you a million times to stop exaggerating!!

bubbalouie - Posted - 08/14/2015:  17:40:33

My grandfather would never throw anything away. He died in the war with a hand grenade in his hand.

He was a peeping Tom. He would drill holes in the floor of his Apt. & spy on the people below.

He died recently but I like to think of him up there, looking down on us.

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/14/2015:  17:45:17

I was lying in the gutter, looking down my nose at the world

stymie - Posted - 08/14/2015:  17:49:59

my wife's so big. one day she was standing on the corner and a cop told her to break it up. 

my wife only has sex with me two times a month. i'm lucky. i know two guys she cut out altogether. 

Paul R - Posted - 08/15/2015:  05:26:30

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that.

Half the people you know are below average.

You're unique 0 just like everybody else.

Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Be naughty - save Santa the trip.

robbyboone - Posted - 08/15/2015:  09:51:02

My favorite is from and an old banjo buddy Bill Stokes while talking about a woman (business oriented) that we both have to deal with...." her best form of contraception is her personality"!

Robby

brewerpaul - Posted - 08/15/2015:  12:40:46

My favrorite Rodney Dangerfield line:

 

I don't get no respect. I called  Dial-a-Prayer. They told me to go to hell!

Owen - Posted - 08/15/2015:  15:55:41

I thank you from the bottom of my heart... my wife thanks you from her bottom too.

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/15/2015:  18:11:15

I grew up in a neighborhood so tough that all the birds sang bass.

Banjo - Posted - 08/15/2015:  21:49:56

I was sad because I didn't have a watch until I met someone who had no time. 

Paul R - Posted - 08/17/2015:  17:39:40

quote:

---

Originally posted by Owen

 

I thank you from the bottom of my heart... my wife thanks you from her bottom too.

---

Hey! That line came from Camilien Houde, who was mayor of Montreal during the Thirties, Forties, and Fifties (I think). He also said, when asked, as part of public spending, if he was going to build public urinals, "Yes, and arsenals, too!"

steve davis - Posted - 08/17/2015:  17:47:43

I never had someone high on pot walk up to me and puke on my shoes.

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/17/2015:  17:48:47

LOL ! Urinals and arsenals ! Priceless ! 😂 😱 🚽

blindsniper - Posted - 08/20/2015:  11:35:29

Never slap a man when he's chewing tobacco.

Sam Sournote - Posted - 08/20/2015:  14:26:02

Once, I thought I was wrong,..............but I was mistaken.

J e f f - Posted - 08/20/2015:  15:39:30

Playoffs ?!

youtube.com/watch?v=U7fjDS0jKiE

steve davis - Posted - 08/20/2015:  16:09:47

"Well,you're somewhere,now."
Gramp's response after a tourist told him where they were from.

baldy - Posted - 08/21/2015:  01:22:52

I hope I'm fortunate enough to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Dad - not screaming in terror like his passengers ...

baldy.

mike gregory - Posted - 08/21/2015:  02:14:11

Wish I could remember who said it

"I intend to live forever, or perish in the attempt!"

Kevin B - Posted - 08/21/2015:  02:53:34

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

Sam Sournote - Posted - 08/21/2015:  09:12:46

An unknown football coach, who was being questioned by a reporter about play calling remarked "If I had it to do all over, I'd do it all over you."