banjonz - Posted - 11/20/2009:  19:39:56

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Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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kyblugrass - Posted - 11/20/2009:  19:50:45

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If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?

fivebranch - Posted - 11/20/2009:  19:57:37

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Park in a driveway drive on a parkway!!!

fivebranch - Posted - 11/20/2009:  19:59:38

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if pro is the opposite of con what is the opposite of progress?

pandjlocke - Posted - 11/20/2009:  21:10:49

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quote:

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Originally posted by fivebranch

if pro is the opposite of con what is the opposite of progress?

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MODS! MODS! He's getting political!

pandjlocke - Posted - 11/20/2009:  21:11:53

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They tell you to get on the plane. To heck with that, I'm getting IN it.

banjonz - Posted - 11/20/2009:  23:00:09

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quote:

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Originally posted by fivebranch

if pro is the opposite of con what is the opposite of progress?

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I just about wet myself after reading that

dmiller - Posted - 11/21/2009:  01:18:12

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Sponges grow in the ocean. Sometimes I wonder - - - - - > > >
How much deeper would the oceans be, if that didn't happen?

banjeaux bob - Posted - 11/21/2009:  02:11:15

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Why is it when you are talking to yourself,the rest of us can hear you?

Bob Robert - Posted - 11/21/2009:  02:27:42

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Do frogs have airtight buttholes?

Ronnie - Posted - 11/21/2009:  02:45:02

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Why is there handicap parking at the skating rink?

BConk - Posted - 11/21/2009:  07:15:26

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why are there instructions in braille on drive through ATM machines?

BConk - Posted - 11/21/2009:  07:17:41

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I'd like to make a suggested improvement to one item listed above:

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's circling Uranus, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's circling your anus?

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Edited by - BConk on 11/21/2009 07:18:29

oly - Posted - 11/21/2009:  10:58:35

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Is there really a stupid question?

mike gregory - Posted - 11/21/2009:  12:35:00

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1. In most packages of banjo strings, the FIFTH is as long as the FIRST.
Those of us who deplore waste, shudder at the thought of how many tons of fine steel wire have been wasted by this, since first it began.

2. Thanks to the Kodak camera and folding corkscrew, we are able to open a shutter, and shut an opener.

Ain't words FUN???????????

Ronnie - Posted - 11/21/2009:  12:43:05

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If flammable is combustible, is inflammable fireproof??

kyblugrass - Posted - 11/21/2009:  13:48:11

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If worms had guns, would birds mess with them?

gottasmilealot - Posted - 11/21/2009:  13:51:30

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We park on driveways, yet drive on parkways.

mike gregory - Posted - 11/21/2009:  14:59:45

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If the early bird gets the worm, can we avoid getting worms by sleeping until noon?

I like the idea of an event which promises "free gfts", but what other kind are there?

When the Farmer was looking for a place to set up his homestead, did some kid in a computer ad tell him "Dude, you're getting a DELL!" ?

If I am in a pentitentiary, and I tell the Parole Board that I am not now, nor ever have been, the least bit penitent,
why won't they let me out?

plunknplinkntwang - Posted - 11/21/2009:  15:24:38

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What is an occasional table when it's not being a table?

Where are the four corners of the earth?

dbaty - Posted - 11/21/2009:  15:30:36

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quote:

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Originally posted by BConk

why are there instructions in braille on drive through ATM machines?

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I've always wondered about that one.

mike gregory - Posted - 11/21/2009:  17:11:12

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quote:

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Originally posted by dbaty

quote:

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Originally posted by BConk

why are there instructions in braille on drive through ATM machines?

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I've always wondered about that one.

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ECONOMY, that's why.

It is cheaper to market ONE faceplate for the ATM, which is then distributed to walkup AND driveup machines.

EXTRA CREDIT:
Since ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine,
why don't people just call them "AT Machines" ?
"ATM machine" means Automated Teller Machine machine. The Department of Redundancy Department has already issued a bulletin about this, but it has largely been ignored.

dbaty - Posted - 11/21/2009:  18:15:29

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quote:

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Originally posted by mike gregory

quote:

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Originally posted by dbaty

quote:

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Originally posted by BConk

why are there instructions in braille on drive through ATM machines?

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I've always wondered about that one.

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ECONOMY, that's why.

It is cheaper to market ONE faceplate for the ATM, which is then distributed to walkup AND driveup machines.

Makes sense too me. Just never thought of it like that.
EXTRA CREDIT:
Since ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine,
why don't people just call them "AT Machines" ?
"ATM machine" means Automated Teller Machine machine. The Department of Redundancy Department has already issued a bulletin about this, but it has largely been ignored.

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mike gregory - Posted - 11/21/2009:  18:30:25

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Quoting my entire quote, which quotes dbaty's entire quote, which quotes Bconk's entire quote, is exactly the sort of thing that the Department of Redundancy Department was set up to regulate, license, and tax.

Luckily, according to the information provided in another thread,
http://www.banjohangout.org/topic/163274
Space Aliens will soon be taking over this entire planet, and the Department of Redundancy Department will become redundant.

Nostradamus and the Mayans and the recent motion picture all agree that it's quite possibly 2012.
I didn't believe it, until I heard that Oprah Winfrey is shutting down her show in 2011, packing up her millions, and fleeing to an undisclosed (and quite possibly off-Earth) location.

That serious a move deserves some ponderous pondering.

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Edited by - mike gregory on 11/21/2009 20:27:13

BConk - Posted - 11/21/2009:  19:04:11

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quote:

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Originally posted by mike gregorySince ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine,
why don't people just call them "AT Machines" ?
"ATM machine" means Automated Teller Machine machine. The Department of Redundancy Department has already issued a bulletin about this, but it has largely been ignored.

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It's the same with PIN (personal identification numbers) and VIN (vehicle identification numbers)

mike gregory - Posted - 11/21/2009:  20:20:45

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"Pa, how come them banjo pickers are talking about us, behind our backs?

Just cuz we live there, don't make us ponderisms, do it?"

-H. Cartwright-

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Edited by - mike gregory on 11/21/2009 20:29:56

Ronnie - Posted - 11/21/2009:  21:18:30

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Why do banks charge a fee for insuffiicient funds when it is obvious the money isn't there??

LParker - Posted - 11/22/2009:  07:05:12

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How do you throw out a garbage can?

mike gregory - Posted - 11/22/2009:  07:22:37

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From Rita Rudner:


"I bought a wastebasket, and they put it into a bag.
When I got home, I put the bag into the wastebasket."

Nosferatu - Posted - 11/22/2009:  08:31:17

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“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”